Hickphonics --------------

[Just a joke, folks.--ed.]

The Atlanta School Board, sensing that Oakland was about to cash in by
labeling African American slang as the language ''Ebonics,'' has decided to
pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by
designating Southern slang, or ''Hickphonics,'' as a language to be taught
in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone.
The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HIDEY - noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Polite addition to a greeting to inquire about
one's condition. Usage: Hidey, hire yew?''

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive to borrow. Usage: ''My brothern
law bard my pickup truck.''

JAWJUH - noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: ''My
brothern law from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.''

BAMMER - noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: ''My brothern law from Jawjuh bard
my pickup truck, and I ain't hered from him in munts.''

BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.Usage:
''A cold bare shore sounds good rat now.''

THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: ''Ah thank ah'll have a
bare.''

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See ''Arkansas native.'' Usage: ''Them Bammer
boys sure are ignert!''

RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: ''I thank I left my
ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brothern law from Jawjuh bard a
few munts ago.''

RINCH - verb. Use klane water to git the soap off'n or outta sumpthin'.
Usage: ''Let me jist rinch out this'ere cup and parr ya some coffee.''

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: ''I shore hope my brothern
law from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.''

FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: ''If my brothern law from Jawjuh don't
change the all in my pickup truck, that thang's gonna ketch far.''

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: ''Gee, I hope that brothern law of mine
from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck.''

TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: ''Lord willin' and the crick don't
rise, I shore do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometam.''

RETARD - verb. To stop working. Usage: ''My grampaw retard at age 65.''

FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: ''You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh.''

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: ''We Southerners are
willin' to fat for are rats.''

FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: ''I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he
sed....mus'be from some farn country.''

DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: ''He's did, Jim.''

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: ''He cain't
breathe....give 'im some ear!''

BOB WAR - noun. A twisted cable with sharp protrousions. Usage: ''Boy, stay
away from that bob war fence.''

JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction. Usage: ''Jew here that my brothern law
from Jawjuh got a job wi' that bob war fence cump'ny?''

HAZE - a contraction. Usage: ''Is Bubba smart?'' ''Nah....haze ignert. He
ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf.''

SEED - verb, past tense of ''to see''.

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: ''I ain't never seed New York
City....view?''

GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: ''Them gummit boys shore
are ignert.''