The incidence of coincidence is so prevalent, that
it cannot be considered coincidence:
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846
John.F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John.F. Kennedy was elected president in 1960.
The names Lincoln, Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both their wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Both were shot in the presence of their wives.
The Secretary of each President warned them not to go to the theatre,
and, to Dallas, respectively.
Lincoln's Secretary was named Kennedy
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assasinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names have 15 letters.
Booth ran from the theatre and was captured in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from the warehouse and was captured in a theatre.
To cap it off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trial.
What do you think: Mystery or a Statistical coincidence?
Laugh
Well Defined.
"Whats the difference between stubbornness & determination?" the teacher asked.
"When you do something your way & succeed, that's detemination," said the student.
"When you do something your way & fail, that's stubbornness.
Best solution.
"If we get married , will you give up smoking & drinking?" she asked.
"Yes," he said.
"And going to the club?"
"Yes"
"What else you'll give up, dear?"
"Marrying you," he said.
Pardon your slip is showing.
Advertisement for weekly magazine: "The magazine for women who like a lot of action
between curves."
From the brochure safer driving: "Above all do not indulge in wreckless driving."
Sign outside an electrical goods shop in Delhi:
"ELECTRICAL WORKS"
(Insulting Work Undertaken)
Sign outside Calcutta hotel: "Quick midnight meals served served any time of day or
night."
Clever Quip.
Jhonny was six years old when he went to maternity hospital to see his baby brother. The
baby's arm bore the usual identification tag with his name, weight & hour of birth. Little
Jhonny looked at his father & exclaimed, "Look Daddy, They forgot to take off the price
tag !"
Dangerous Designing.
Spare a thought for a comrade who worked in People's Democratic Republic
Preambulator foctory.
Since his wife was expecting the birth of their first child, he decided to suspend his
socialist principles & steal one component from factory each day to assemble a pram at
home. Sadly the plan came to a naught. As he confided to a friend: "Its no good - no
matter how I put the pieces it always comes out as a machine gun.
"Whats the difference between stubbornness & determination?" the teacher asked.
"When you do something your way & succeed, that's detemination," said the student.
"When you do something your way & fail, that's stubbornness.
Best solution.
"If we get married , will you give up smoking & drinking?" she asked.
"Yes," he said.
"And going to the club?"
"Yes"
"What else you'll give up, dear?"
"Marrying you," he said.
Pardon your slip is showing.
Advertisement for weekly magazine: "The magazine for women who like a lot of action
between curves."
From the brochure safer driving: "Above all do not indulge in wreckless driving."
Sign outside an electrical goods shop in Delhi:
"ELECTRICAL WORKS"
(Insulting Work Undertaken)
Sign outside Calcutta hotel: "Quick midnight meals served served any time of day or
night."
Clever Quip.
Jhonny was six years old when he went to maternity hospital to see his baby brother. The
baby's arm bore the usual identification tag with his name, weight & hour of birth. Little
Jhonny looked at his father & exclaimed, "Look Daddy, They forgot to take off the price
tag !"
Dangerous Designing.
Spare a thought for a comrade who worked in People's Democratic Republic
Preambulator foctory.
Since his wife was expecting the birth of their first child, he decided to suspend his
socialist principles & steal one component from factory each day to assemble a pram at
home. Sadly the plan came to a naught. As he confided to a friend: "Its no good - no
matter how I put the pieces it always comes out as a machine gun.
Laloo
> >During an International conference, three scientists,an
> >American, a German, and an Indian, were talking and bragging about the
> >technological advances their respective countries have achieved in the
> >field of medicine. The American said "In Washington, there was a baby
boy
> >born without arms so we attached artificial arms on him. And now that
> >he's grown up and became an Olympic professional boxer and a gold
> >medallist !" The German replied, "That's nothing to what we have
> >achieved. Back in Berlin, there was a baby girl born without legs so we
> >attached a pair of artificial legs on her. Now she is a three-time
> >Olympics marathon gold medallist !"
> >The Indian interjected " Is that all you have achieved
> >,just gold medallists? In Patna, Bihar we had a baby boy born without a
> >HEAD ! We attached a COCONUT and called him Laloo and he has grown up
> >and now he is the Chief Minister of Bihar !"
> >
> >American, a German, and an Indian, were talking and bragging about the
> >technological advances their respective countries have achieved in the
> >field of medicine. The American said "In Washington, there was a baby
boy
> >born without arms so we attached artificial arms on him. And now that
> >he's grown up and became an Olympic professional boxer and a gold
> >medallist !" The German replied, "That's nothing to what we have
> >achieved. Back in Berlin, there was a baby girl born without legs so we
> >attached a pair of artificial legs on her. Now she is a three-time
> >Olympics marathon gold medallist !"
> >The Indian interjected " Is that all you have achieved
> >,just gold medallists? In Patna, Bihar we had a baby boy born without a
> >HEAD ! We attached a COCONUT and called him Laloo and he has grown up
> >and now he is the Chief Minister of Bihar !"
> >
Knott and watt
KNOTT: "Who's calling?" was the answer to the telephone.
WATT: "Watt."
KNOTT: "What is your name, please?"
WATT: "Watt's my name."
KNOTT: "That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
WATT: "That's what I told you. Watt's my name."
A long pause, and then from Watt,
WATT: "Is this James Brown?"
KNOTT: "No, this is Knott."
WATT: "Please tell me your name."
KNOTT: "Will Knott."
YOU LEFT THE TALKERS AT A POINT WHERE THEY WERE
TOTTALLY CONFUSED, READ THE REST OF WHAT HAPPENED...
WATT: "Why not?"
KNOTT: "Huh? What do you mean why not?"
WATT: "Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?"
KNOTT: "But I told you my name!"
WATT: "Didn't you say you will not?"
KNOTT: "Not not, knott, Will Knott!"
WATT: "That's what I mean."
KNOTT: "So you know my name."
WATT: "Of course not!"
KNOTT: "Good. So now, what is yours?"
WATT: "Watt. Yours?"
KNOTT: "Your name!"
WATT: "Watt's my name."
KNOTT: "How the hell do I know? I am asking you!"
WATT: "Look I have been very patient and I have told u my name and you
have not even told me yours yet."
KNOTT: "You have been patient, what about me? I have told you my name so many times and it is you who have not told me yours yet.
WATT: "Of course not!"
KNOTT: "See, you even know my name!"
WATT: "Of course not!"
KNOTT: "Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?"
WATT: "Because I don't."
[Pause]
KNOTT: "What is your name?"
WATT: "See, you know my name!"
KNOTT: "Of course not!"
WATT: "Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?"
KNOTT: "To find out your name!"
WATT: "But you already know it!"
KNOTT: "What?"
WATT: "See!"
KNOTT: "And you know mine!"
WATT: "Of course not!"
KNOTT: "Exactly!"
NOW THEY ARE AT A POINT WHERE BOTH THINK THE OTHER KNOWS THEIR NAME, BUT
THEY THEMSELVES DON'T KNOW THE OTHER'S NAME.
KNOTT: "Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name is, what
will be your answer?"
WATT: "Watt's my name."
KNOTT: "No, no, give me only one word."
WATT: "Watt"
KNOTT: "Your name!"
WATT: "Right!"
[pause before it hits him]
KNOTT: "Oh, Wright!"
WATT: "Yeah!"
KNOTT: "So why didn't you say it before?"
WATT: "I told you so many times!"
KNOTT: "You never said Wright before"
WATT: "Of course I did."
KNOTT: "Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?"
WATT: "I do not."
KNOTT: "Well, there you go, now we know each other's name."
WATT: "I do not!"
KNOTT: "Good!"
[pause before it hits him]
WATT: "Oh, Guud!"
KNOTT: "Good."
WATT: "No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?"
KNOTT: "No, it's Knott!"
WATT: "Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now Guud."
KNOTT: "Yes Wright."
NOW THEY BOTH THINK THEY KNOW EACH OTHER'S NAME AS WELL!
Watt do you think ?? Do they or do they Knott???
WATT: "Watt."
KNOTT: "What is your name, please?"
WATT: "Watt's my name."
KNOTT: "That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
WATT: "That's what I told you. Watt's my name."
A long pause, and then from Watt,
WATT: "Is this James Brown?"
KNOTT: "No, this is Knott."
WATT: "Please tell me your name."
KNOTT: "Will Knott."
YOU LEFT THE TALKERS AT A POINT WHERE THEY WERE
TOTTALLY CONFUSED, READ THE REST OF WHAT HAPPENED...
WATT: "Why not?"
KNOTT: "Huh? What do you mean why not?"
WATT: "Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?"
KNOTT: "But I told you my name!"
WATT: "Didn't you say you will not?"
KNOTT: "Not not, knott, Will Knott!"
WATT: "That's what I mean."
KNOTT: "So you know my name."
WATT: "Of course not!"
KNOTT: "Good. So now, what is yours?"
WATT: "Watt. Yours?"
KNOTT: "Your name!"
WATT: "Watt's my name."
KNOTT: "How the hell do I know? I am asking you!"
WATT: "Look I have been very patient and I have told u my name and you
have not even told me yours yet."
KNOTT: "You have been patient, what about me? I have told you my name so many times and it is you who have not told me yours yet.
WATT: "Of course not!"
KNOTT: "See, you even know my name!"
WATT: "Of course not!"
KNOTT: "Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?"
WATT: "Because I don't."
[Pause]
KNOTT: "What is your name?"
WATT: "See, you know my name!"
KNOTT: "Of course not!"
WATT: "Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?"
KNOTT: "To find out your name!"
WATT: "But you already know it!"
KNOTT: "What?"
WATT: "See!"
KNOTT: "And you know mine!"
WATT: "Of course not!"
KNOTT: "Exactly!"
NOW THEY ARE AT A POINT WHERE BOTH THINK THE OTHER KNOWS THEIR NAME, BUT
THEY THEMSELVES DON'T KNOW THE OTHER'S NAME.
KNOTT: "Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name is, what
will be your answer?"
WATT: "Watt's my name."
KNOTT: "No, no, give me only one word."
WATT: "Watt"
KNOTT: "Your name!"
WATT: "Right!"
[pause before it hits him]
KNOTT: "Oh, Wright!"
WATT: "Yeah!"
KNOTT: "So why didn't you say it before?"
WATT: "I told you so many times!"
KNOTT: "You never said Wright before"
WATT: "Of course I did."
KNOTT: "Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?"
WATT: "I do not."
KNOTT: "Well, there you go, now we know each other's name."
WATT: "I do not!"
KNOTT: "Good!"
[pause before it hits him]
WATT: "Oh, Guud!"
KNOTT: "Good."
WATT: "No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?"
KNOTT: "No, it's Knott!"
WATT: "Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now Guud."
KNOTT: "Yes Wright."
NOW THEY BOTH THINK THEY KNOW EACH OTHER'S NAME AS WELL!
Watt do you think ?? Do they or do they Knott???
KIss by different subject proffesors
Here's how the professors of different subjects
> define the same word (kiss) in different ways
> Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinity because two
> divided by nothing.
> Prof. of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance
> between two lips.
> Prof. of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth
> due to the expansion of the heart.
> Prof. of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the
> interaction between two hearts.
> Prof. of Zoology : Kiss is the interchange of
> salivary bacteria.
> Prof. of Physiology : Kiss is the juxtaposition of
> two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of
> contraction.
> Prof. of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and
> antiseptic.
> Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it
> is profitable when returned.
> Prof. of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which
> the demand is always higher than the supply.
> Prof. of Statistics : Kiss is an event whose
> probability depends on the vital statistics of
> 36-24-36.
> Prof. of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for
> the child,ecstasy for the youth and homage for the
> old.
> Prof. of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a
> conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is
> spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
> Prof. of Comp.Science : What is a kiss? It looks to
> be an undefined variable
> Prof. of Architecture : Kiss is a process which
> builds a solid bond between the two dynamic obje
> define the same word (kiss) in different ways
> Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinity because two
> divided by nothing.
> Prof. of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance
> between two lips.
> Prof. of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth
> due to the expansion of the heart.
> Prof. of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the
> interaction between two hearts.
> Prof. of Zoology : Kiss is the interchange of
> salivary bacteria.
> Prof. of Physiology : Kiss is the juxtaposition of
> two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of
> contraction.
> Prof. of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and
> antiseptic.
> Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it
> is profitable when returned.
> Prof. of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which
> the demand is always higher than the supply.
> Prof. of Statistics : Kiss is an event whose
> probability depends on the vital statistics of
> 36-24-36.
> Prof. of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for
> the child,ecstasy for the youth and homage for the
> old.
> Prof. of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a
> conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is
> spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
> Prof. of Comp.Science : What is a kiss? It looks to
> be an undefined variable
> Prof. of Architecture : Kiss is a process which
> builds a solid bond between the two dynamic obje
kids
Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit,
with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom
about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen,
apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in
the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K.
to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected
home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said O.K.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked
me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was
late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's
arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving
passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running
shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?"
"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away
this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked
at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to
see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
--
Funny Story O' The Day Lewis@SpoonServer.Com
To Subscribe: Send mail from the account you want subscribed to
the above address with Subject "SUBSCRIBE FUNNY" (without quotes) and
the first line of the message is your email address.
If I don't respond within a couple business days, try again.
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit,
with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom
about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen,
apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in
the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K.
to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected
home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said O.K.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked
me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was
late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's
arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving
passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running
shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?"
"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away
this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked
at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to
see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
--
Funny Story O' The Day Lewis@SpoonServer.Com
To Subscribe: Send mail from the account you want subscribed to
the above address with Subject "SUBSCRIBE FUNNY" (without quotes) and
the first line of the message is your email address.
If I don't respond within a couple business days, try again.
JUnk
A man and a women were married for 40 years.
When they first got married the man said, "I am putting a box
under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.
However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity
got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1874.25 in small
bills.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that
she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to
why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner at their
favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer
contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying: "I am so
sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked.
However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But
now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"
The man thought for a while and said: "I guess after all
these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: "Whenever
I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box
under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
The woman was shocked, but said: "I am very disappointed and
saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on
the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is
not that bad considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later the woman asked the man: "Why do you have
all that money in the box?"
To which the man answered: "Whenever the box filled with
empties, I cashed them in."
When they first got married the man said, "I am putting a box
under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.
However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity
got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1874.25 in small
bills.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that
she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to
why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner at their
favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer
contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying: "I am so
sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked.
However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But
now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"
The man thought for a while and said: "I guess after all
these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: "Whenever
I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box
under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
The woman was shocked, but said: "I am very disappointed and
saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on
the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is
not that bad considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later the woman asked the man: "Why do you have
all that money in the box?"
To which the man answered: "Whenever the box filled with
empties, I cashed them in."
judge
> Small Town
> --------------
>
> A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial---a grand motherly, elderly woman. He approached
her and asked, ''Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'' She responded, ''Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you
were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and
talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount
to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.''
>
> The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, ''Mrs. Williams, do you know the
defense attorney?'' She again replied, ''Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him
for his parents. He, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build
a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.''
>
> At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with
menace, ''If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!''
>
> **************************************************
> A blonde...
> --------------
>
> [I'm a blonde, folks; so I'm allowed. ;-) ]
>
> A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sign up with a tourist group for a chartered-double-decker bus trip to London. There are only 2
seats left on the bottom of the bus, and only 1 seat on the top of the bus available when they board. The young ladies decide to
take turns riding on the top, and flip a coin to see who gets the first turn. The blonde wins the toss.
>
> A couple of hours later, it's the redhead's turn. She takes the steps to the top and sees the blonde, sitting there scared half to
death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white.
>
> ''What's goin' on?'' the redhead asks. ''We're havin' a grand old time down below, singing and laughing.''
>
> The blonde replies, ''Yeah, but you've got a driver.''
> --------------
>
> A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial---a grand motherly, elderly woman. He approached
her and asked, ''Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'' She responded, ''Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you
were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and
talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount
to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.''
>
> The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, ''Mrs. Williams, do you know the
defense attorney?'' She again replied, ''Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him
for his parents. He, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build
a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.''
>
> At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with
menace, ''If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!''
>
> **************************************************
> A blonde...
> --------------
>
> [I'm a blonde, folks; so I'm allowed. ;-) ]
>
> A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sign up with a tourist group for a chartered-double-decker bus trip to London. There are only 2
seats left on the bottom of the bus, and only 1 seat on the top of the bus available when they board. The young ladies decide to
take turns riding on the top, and flip a coin to see who gets the first turn. The blonde wins the toss.
>
> A couple of hours later, it's the redhead's turn. She takes the steps to the top and sees the blonde, sitting there scared half to
death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white.
>
> ''What's goin' on?'' the redhead asks. ''We're havin' a grand old time down below, singing and laughing.''
>
> The blonde replies, ''Yeah, but you've got a driver.''
jokes 5..
Surgical Subject
So, it seems this group of surgeons were sitting about
during an interlude, when the usual topic came up...
The first surgeon said:
"Accountants are the best to operate on because when
you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second surgeon said:
"Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them
is in alphabetical order."
The third pipes up:
"Try electricians! Everything inside THEM is color
coded."
The fourth sneers:
"Lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and
their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly
listening to the conversation while sipping from a
bottle of Jack Daniels (as all surgeons do between
operations), says:
"I like engineers... they always understand when you
have a few parts left over at the end."
********
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through out the class. One day the teacher asked her while she was napping, `Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?`
When Mary didn`t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
`God Almighty!` shouted Mary. Teacher said, `Very good,` and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, `Who is our Lord and Savior?`
But, Mary didn`t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. `Jesus Christ!` shouted Mary.
The teacher said, `Very good,` and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. `What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?`
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted,`If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I`ll break it in half!`
The Teacher fainted.
*********
Choosing a Bride, a Parsee mother was very concerned that her middle-aged
son has not shown the slightest indication of getting married. So one day she called her son to her house. The son came home from work,grudgingly. Upon arriving, he found that his mother had gathered a few beautiful ladies at the house for him to choose as his future bride. The first one was a well endowed
telephonist-cum-receptionist. He immediately commented that: -'Nahiray... amma,they always say....PLEASE HOLD ON, HOLD ON.......' 'The second nominee was a leggy secretary. She was rejected also. Reason being Nahiray.....mamma, this one aaa..., secretary always fond of saying 'PLEASE SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN....' By this time, the mother is nearing frustration. She called a
sweet but plain-looking teacher. The son suddenly agreed!!
The mother was surprised and asked:- 'Why this one? The previous two
were lot more better looking!'
He replied :-'Teachers aaa....teachers ghani majani, always say:-
'PLEASE REPEAT, DO IT AGAIN, I Want it done 10
times...SOME MORE, SOME
MORE..!'
His youngest brother (10 years old), was listening quietly to all
this at the other end of the room. Suddenly, he shouted:
'Aare,....female bus conductor more better..they always say.. 'under
jao, aagay jao, aagay bahut khali jaga hai, aur under jao.
**********
COURT DOCKET - CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved
again. The man seemed more amused. When, on the
fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained
to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man
(about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this..
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help
but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that
said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I
grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that
said, "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling",
and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a
sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick",
and I could hardly contain myself. BUT your Honour,
when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented
this Accident"... I just lost it.
So, it seems this group of surgeons were sitting about
during an interlude, when the usual topic came up...
The first surgeon said:
"Accountants are the best to operate on because when
you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second surgeon said:
"Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them
is in alphabetical order."
The third pipes up:
"Try electricians! Everything inside THEM is color
coded."
The fourth sneers:
"Lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and
their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly
listening to the conversation while sipping from a
bottle of Jack Daniels (as all surgeons do between
operations), says:
"I like engineers... they always understand when you
have a few parts left over at the end."
********
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through out the class. One day the teacher asked her while she was napping, `Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?`
When Mary didn`t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
`God Almighty!` shouted Mary. Teacher said, `Very good,` and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, `Who is our Lord and Savior?`
But, Mary didn`t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. `Jesus Christ!` shouted Mary.
The teacher said, `Very good,` and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. `What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?`
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted,`If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I`ll break it in half!`
The Teacher fainted.
*********
Choosing a Bride, a Parsee mother was very concerned that her middle-aged
son has not shown the slightest indication of getting married. So one day she called her son to her house. The son came home from work,grudgingly. Upon arriving, he found that his mother had gathered a few beautiful ladies at the house for him to choose as his future bride. The first one was a well endowed
telephonist-cum-receptionist. He immediately commented that: -'Nahiray... amma,they always say....PLEASE HOLD ON, HOLD ON.......' 'The second nominee was a leggy secretary. She was rejected also. Reason being Nahiray.....mamma, this one aaa..., secretary always fond of saying 'PLEASE SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN....' By this time, the mother is nearing frustration. She called a
sweet but plain-looking teacher. The son suddenly agreed!!
The mother was surprised and asked:- 'Why this one? The previous two
were lot more better looking!'
He replied :-'Teachers aaa....teachers ghani majani, always say:-
'PLEASE REPEAT, DO IT AGAIN, I Want it done 10
times...SOME MORE, SOME
MORE..!'
His youngest brother (10 years old), was listening quietly to all
this at the other end of the room. Suddenly, he shouted:
'Aare,....female bus conductor more better..they always say.. 'under
jao, aagay jao, aagay bahut khali jaga hai, aur under jao.
**********
COURT DOCKET - CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved
again. The man seemed more amused. When, on the
fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained
to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man
(about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this..
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help
but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that
said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I
grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that
said, "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling",
and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a
sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick",
and I could hardly contain myself. BUT your Honour,
when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented
this Accident"... I just lost it.
Tamil jokes
>If u go till last question, u pass the test.
>>What is the similarity between krishna jayanthi and communism?
Kaal marks.
>>How do flies communicate?
eee-mail
>>What is the similarity between short circuit and poramai?
Wire-eriyarthu
>>What is the similarity between boxing and goddess kali?
Naak-out
>>Why does a man prefer tea to coffee?
Bcoz tea has oru e and kapee has rendu e
>>Deepavalikkum pongalukkum yennanga vithyaasam?
Deepavali annikku pongal saapadalaam aana
Pongal annikku Deppavaliya> sapda mudiyaadhu.
>>LIC oda 14th floorla sandhanam poosi yirukkanga.Yaen?
Yaenna adhu Mottai maadi.
>>Oru annanum thangachchiyum oadi varranga.
Annan malemoochuvangaraan. Thangachchi?
Ava Female moochchu vaanguvaaa
>>Eli(adhaanga Rat) adhukku yaen vaal yirukku?
Seththa pudichchu thookki poada.
>>What is the opposite of Arvindswamy?
Arvind-DID-NOT-SEE-ME0
>>LEO coffee a yaen kalyanam pannikka mudiyaadhu?
Yaenna "Manamaana" coffee LEO coffee
>>Mylapore-kkum, Mandaveli-kkum sandai vandha edhu win-pannum?
Mylapore, yenna avangakitta tank irukku.
>>Russia-la yen kosu-ve illai?
Yen-na, anga Kosukku vera peyar.
>>Yen, cinema theatre-la A-row la irukkara-vangalukku cinema
ozhungave theriyalai?
Enna, A-row-kku munnala B-row (Bero) irukku.
>>Yen, desert-la irukkara post-office-la ellarum letter
ezhudhittu, stamp vangittu, veliya pora?
Enna, veliya dhan otta-gum irukku.
>>Ramar (the mythological character) sithai-ya thedindu lankai
kelambumbodhu kadal-ai thaandarathukku varar.
Appo enna achariyam! Kadal avarukku appadiye vazhi vittuduthu. Yaen?
Enna, Where there is a will, there is a way.
>>Raja Harischandra use panna paste enna?
Promise.
>>Traffic Inspectors enna paste use pannuva?
Signal.
>>Harischandra-kku pudicha biscuit enna?
True.
>>Bus-ai pinnala thallina enna aagum?
Pin valayium
>>Oru yanai (elephant) vegama ration kadai pakkam odarathu.
Athu anga enna vangum?
Muchu Vangum.
>>Oru English therinja maadu(cow) theatre pakkam porathu.
Anga theatre Kadhavai kadikka arambichuduthu! Yen?
Enna, Kadhavula "Pull"-nnu ezhudhirukku.
>>In Japanese and in chinese, Leaning Tower of Pisa kattina adhukku
enna per veppa?
Nikumo-Nikado in japanese and in chinese : chanja chi
>>Mahathma Gandhijikkum, Kunnakudi Vaidyanathanukkum yenna vidyasam?
Avar Non-violinist. Vaidyanathan Violinist.
>>Spin Bowlarruku pen kuzhandai perandal enna payru vaipar?
Bala Tiruppura Sundari
>>Independence day-kkum Republic day-kkum yenna vidyasam?
Sumar, anjara maasam.
>>Oru maami idli-a thalaila vechinda. Yaen?
En-na idli poo pola irundhudhu.
>>Kadri Gopalnath - Kunnakudi jugalbandi censor board>banpannina.Yaen?
yeanna romba sax and violins irundhu?
>>Neil Armstrong yaen romba great ?
Ellarum 1-ikku, 2-ikku pova. Avar 3-ikke poitaar.
>>What is the similarity between krishna jayanthi and communism?
Kaal marks.
>>How do flies communicate?
eee-mail
>>What is the similarity between short circuit and poramai?
Wire-eriyarthu
>>What is the similarity between boxing and goddess kali?
Naak-out
>>Why does a man prefer tea to coffee?
Bcoz tea has oru e and kapee has rendu e
>>Deepavalikkum pongalukkum yennanga vithyaasam?
Deepavali annikku pongal saapadalaam aana
Pongal annikku Deppavaliya> sapda mudiyaadhu.
>>LIC oda 14th floorla sandhanam poosi yirukkanga.Yaen?
Yaenna adhu Mottai maadi.
>>Oru annanum thangachchiyum oadi varranga.
Annan malemoochuvangaraan. Thangachchi?
Ava Female moochchu vaanguvaaa
>>Eli(adhaanga Rat) adhukku yaen vaal yirukku?
Seththa pudichchu thookki poada.
>>What is the opposite of Arvindswamy?
Arvind-DID-NOT-SEE-ME0
>>LEO coffee a yaen kalyanam pannikka mudiyaadhu?
Yaenna "Manamaana" coffee LEO coffee
>>Mylapore-kkum, Mandaveli-kkum sandai vandha edhu win-pannum?
Mylapore, yenna avangakitta tank irukku.
>>Russia-la yen kosu-ve illai?
Yen-na, anga Kosukku vera peyar.
>>Yen, cinema theatre-la A-row la irukkara-vangalukku cinema
ozhungave theriyalai?
Enna, A-row-kku munnala B-row (Bero) irukku.
>>Yen, desert-la irukkara post-office-la ellarum letter
ezhudhittu, stamp vangittu, veliya pora?
Enna, veliya dhan otta-gum irukku.
>>Ramar (the mythological character) sithai-ya thedindu lankai
kelambumbodhu kadal-ai thaandarathukku varar.
Appo enna achariyam! Kadal avarukku appadiye vazhi vittuduthu. Yaen?
Enna, Where there is a will, there is a way.
>>Raja Harischandra use panna paste enna?
Promise.
>>Traffic Inspectors enna paste use pannuva?
Signal.
>>Harischandra-kku pudicha biscuit enna?
True.
>>Bus-ai pinnala thallina enna aagum?
Pin valayium
>>Oru yanai (elephant) vegama ration kadai pakkam odarathu.
Athu anga enna vangum?
Muchu Vangum.
>>Oru English therinja maadu(cow) theatre pakkam porathu.
Anga theatre Kadhavai kadikka arambichuduthu! Yen?
Enna, Kadhavula "Pull"-nnu ezhudhirukku.
>>In Japanese and in chinese, Leaning Tower of Pisa kattina adhukku
enna per veppa?
Nikumo-Nikado in japanese and in chinese : chanja chi
>>Mahathma Gandhijikkum, Kunnakudi Vaidyanathanukkum yenna vidyasam?
Avar Non-violinist. Vaidyanathan Violinist.
>>Spin Bowlarruku pen kuzhandai perandal enna payru vaipar?
Bala Tiruppura Sundari
>>Independence day-kkum Republic day-kkum yenna vidyasam?
Sumar, anjara maasam.
>>Oru maami idli-a thalaila vechinda. Yaen?
En-na idli poo pola irundhudhu.
>>Kadri Gopalnath - Kunnakudi jugalbandi censor board>banpannina.Yaen?
yeanna romba sax and violins irundhu?
>>Neil Armstrong yaen romba great ?
Ellarum 1-ikku, 2-ikku pova. Avar 3-ikke poitaar.
Engineering....the untold truth....
>
>
> 1.. Some Basic definitions..
>
> Engineering College : Place where you're punished
> for getting good Board marks.
>
> Babe : After two years in Engineering, anything remotely female qualifies
> for that title...esp for mech guys...
>
> Senior : Guy who got ragged as junior and wanna get some
> payback...
>
> Fresher : Guy who has to ask where the canteen is...
>
> Really Dumb Fresher : Guy who asks a senior where
> the canteen
> is.
>
> Really Really Dumb fresher : Guy who follows the
> senior to the
> canteen.
>
> Ragging : The unfortunate fate of the previous
> idiot.
>
> Evasive action : Watch the juniors when any seniors
> come nearby.
> (No
> one
> runs faster than a fresher. NO ONE.)
>
> Lectures : Waste of time..physical presence is a
> must...only meant
> for
> sleeping, completing assignments & general TP
>
> Tutions : What you take when you don't waste enough
> time....
>
> Professor : Person paid to put students to sleep.
>
> Vernac Prof : Unusual variant of previous individual
> who comes
> packaged
> with
> his own brand of English ("Now you check me our
> journal." "You Out
> get
> from
> class." "Are you Understand, Beta?" )
>
> Practicals : 60 to 90 minutes in which you watch the
> girls do
> your
> experiment, and usually destroy a considerable array
> of lab
> equipment.
>
> Hopeless Practical : The practical in which there
> are no girls in
> your
> group
> (simply look blankly at each other, fiddle with the
> equipment,
> and
> finally
> copy the
> readings. from the girls of course...).
>
>
> 2. The Truth about exams....
>
> Timing...when ur non enginering GF/BF is free to
> enjoy while
> u>slog
> with
> submisisons & exams
>
> Irony : The guy who copied your entire paper passes
> and you
> flunk.
>
> Critical Calculation : Summing up the marks you
> attempted worth in
> the
> exam...
>
> KT : Makes you suicidal..the WAY of life...
>
> Year Drop : Makes dad homicidal.
>
> Reverification : A cruel joke. (results of which
> come after you
> give
> the KT
> exam).
>
>
> 3. An engineer's 10 engg commandments opf Life
> 1. Thou shalt study only during the preparatory leave.
> 2. Thou shalt never write thy assignments thyself.
> 3. Thou shalt begin writing thy journals only on the morning of submission.
> 4. Thou shalt treat all marks above 40 as bonus.
> 5. Thou shalt have at least 70 per cent attendance in the canteen.
> 6. Thou shalt pass GRACEfully.
> 7. Thou shalt always be an OUTstanding student.
> 8. Thou shalt give thy attendance without being present...PROXY is a MUST
> 9. If thou can't convince them , confuse them.
> 10. Thou shalt start every sentence with a four> lettered word.
>
>
> 4. The Years of Engineering
>
> F.E. Fond of Engineering
> S.E. Sick Of Engineering
> T.E. Tired of Engineering
> B.E. Balls to Engineering
>
> is it worth it???
>
>
>
> In Life U Love The One Whom U Can Never Have
=====
MANS' GREATEST GLORY IS NOT ABOUT NOT
FALLING ANY TIME AT ALL
BUT,
RISING EACH TIME HE FALLS
>
> 1.. Some Basic definitions..
>
> Engineering College : Place where you're punished
> for getting good Board marks.
>
> Babe : After two years in Engineering, anything remotely female qualifies
> for that title...esp for mech guys...
>
> Senior : Guy who got ragged as junior and wanna get some
> payback...
>
> Fresher : Guy who has to ask where the canteen is...
>
> Really Dumb Fresher : Guy who asks a senior where
> the canteen
> is.
>
> Really Really Dumb fresher : Guy who follows the
> senior to the
> canteen.
>
> Ragging : The unfortunate fate of the previous
> idiot.
>
> Evasive action : Watch the juniors when any seniors
> come nearby.
> (No
> one
> runs faster than a fresher. NO ONE.)
>
> Lectures : Waste of time..physical presence is a
> must...only meant
> for
> sleeping, completing assignments & general TP
>
> Tutions : What you take when you don't waste enough
> time....
>
> Professor : Person paid to put students to sleep.
>
> Vernac Prof : Unusual variant of previous individual
> who comes
> packaged
> with
> his own brand of English ("Now you check me our
> journal." "You Out
> get
> from
> class." "Are you Understand, Beta?" )
>
> Practicals : 60 to 90 minutes in which you watch the
> girls do
> your
> experiment, and usually destroy a considerable array
> of lab
> equipment.
>
> Hopeless Practical : The practical in which there
> are no girls in
> your
> group
> (simply look blankly at each other, fiddle with the
> equipment,
> and
> finally
> copy the
> readings. from the girls of course...).
>
>
> 2. The Truth about exams....
>
> Timing...when ur non enginering GF/BF is free to
> enjoy while
> u>slog
> with
> submisisons & exams
>
> Irony : The guy who copied your entire paper passes
> and you
> flunk.
>
> Critical Calculation : Summing up the marks you
> attempted worth in
> the
> exam...
>
> KT : Makes you suicidal..the WAY of life...
>
> Year Drop : Makes dad homicidal.
>
> Reverification : A cruel joke. (results of which
> come after you
> give
> the KT
> exam).
>
>
> 3. An engineer's 10 engg commandments opf Life
> 1. Thou shalt study only during the preparatory leave.
> 2. Thou shalt never write thy assignments thyself.
> 3. Thou shalt begin writing thy journals only on the morning of submission.
> 4. Thou shalt treat all marks above 40 as bonus.
> 5. Thou shalt have at least 70 per cent attendance in the canteen.
> 6. Thou shalt pass GRACEfully.
> 7. Thou shalt always be an OUTstanding student.
> 8. Thou shalt give thy attendance without being present...PROXY is a MUST
> 9. If thou can't convince them , confuse them.
> 10. Thou shalt start every sentence with a four> lettered word.
>
>
> 4. The Years of Engineering
>
> F.E. Fond of Engineering
> S.E. Sick Of Engineering
> T.E. Tired of Engineering
> B.E. Balls to Engineering
>
> is it worth it???
>
>
>
> In Life U Love The One Whom U Can Never Have
=====
MANS' GREATEST GLORY IS NOT ABOUT NOT
FALLING ANY TIME AT ALL
BUT,
RISING EACH TIME HE FALLS
Tech support
MORE TECH SUPPORT FOLLIES
--------------
I am sure that none of us are so computer-illiterate that any of these
could happen to *us*. However...
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: ''I'd like a mouse mat, please.''
Salesperson: ''Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.''
Customer: ''But will they be compatible with my computer?''
* * * * *
I once received a FAX with a note on the bottom, asking me to FAX the
document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he
needed to keep it.
* * * * *
Customer in computer shop: ''Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for
me?''
* * * * *
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start
something like this:
Customer: ''Hi. Is this the Internet?''
* * * * *
Customer: ''So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?''
Tech Support: ''Yeah.''
Customer: ''And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?''
Tech Support: ''Uhh...uh...uh...yeah.''
* * * * *
Tech Support: ''All right...now, double-click on the File Manager icon.''
Customer: ''That's why I hate this Windows: because of the icons - I'm a
Protestant, and I don't believe in icons.''
Tech Support: ''Well, that's just an industry term, sir. I don't believe
it was meant to ...''
Customer: ''I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in
icons.''
Tech Support: ''Well...why don't you double-click on the 'little picture'
of a filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?''
Customer: [click-click]
* * * * *
~~~~~Customer: ''My computer crashed!''
Tech Support: ''It crashed?''
Customer: ''Yeah, it won't let me play my game.''
Tech Support: ''All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.''
Customer: ''No, it didn't crash - it crashed.''
Tech Support: ''Huh?''
Customer: ''I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my
spaceship and now it doesn't work.''
Tech Support: ''Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'''
Customer: [pause] ''Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?''
* * * * *
Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems:
the bottom half of each printed sheet came out blurry. It seemed
strange that the printer was smearing *only* the bottom half. I walked
her through the basics, then went over and printed out a test sheet. It
printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet. She sent a job to the
printer. As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed
it to me ... I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own.
Problem solved.
* * * * *
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for
about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't
solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print
fine. This truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan,
magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and
yellow; but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine
except for
yellow! I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer
delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers
for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of
troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in
to us for repair when she asked quietly, ''Should I try printing on a
piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?''
* * * * *
Tech Support: ''OK, Sir, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
''Now, type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.''
Customer: ''I don't have a 'P'.''
Tech Support: ''On your keyboard, Sir.''
Customer: ''What do you mean?''
Tech Support: '''P' on your keyboard, Sir.''
Customer: ''I'm not going to do that!''
* * * * *
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech
support number, complaining about the error message: ''Can't find the
printer.'' On the phone, the man explained that he even held the printer
up in front of the screen, but the computer *still* couldn't find it!
* * * * *
And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in
the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also
complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very
embarrassed when we
asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.
* * * * *
Customer: ''Hello? I'm trying to dial in. I installed the software OK,
and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two
computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the
phone to
see if they were still connected, and I got the message, 'No carrier,'
on my screen. What's wrong?''
* * * * *
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows
installation that had gone terribly wrong..
Customer: ''I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my
home computer.'' (Training stresses that we are ''not the Software
Police,'' so I let the little act of piracy slide.)
Tech Support: ''Umm-hmm. What happened?'' Customer: ''As I put each disk
in, it turned out they weren't initialized.''
Tech Support: ''Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?''
Customer: (proudly) ''I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk.
Would you like to initialize it?'''
Tech Support: ''Er, what happened next?''
Customer: ''After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be
blank. And now I've brought them back to work, and I can't read them in
the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of
Windows
disks for the whole office ... Did I do something wrong?''
* * * * *
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone,
and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into
the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers
and
switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing,
and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the tutor
over, and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would
happen. The
tutor tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor, and
quaking red-faced. I typed, ''Leave me alone!'' They both jumped back as
this appeared on their screen. ''What the...'' the tutor said. I typed, ''I
said, leave me alone!'' The kid got real upset. ''I didn't do anything to
it, I swear!'' The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an
amazing five minutes. Me: ''Don't touch me!'' Her: ''I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to hit your keys that hard.'' Me: ''Who do you think you are
anyway?!'' Etc, etc. ... Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer,
and literally fell out of my chair laughing! After they realized what I
had done, they both turned
beet-red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
* * * * *
This guy called in to complain that he got an ''Access Denied'' message
every time he tried to log in. It turned out he was typing his username
and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: ''Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters.''
Customer: ''Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard.''
* * * * *
Email from a friend: ''CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?''
* * * * *
My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed
a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms
crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes
he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was
impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she
replied, ''It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes
ago!''
Contributed by BG
Heavenly Hillary...
--------------
Hillary Clinton dies and goes to Heaven where she meets St. Peter. She notices that there are clocks everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are there so many clocks here.
St. Peter tells her that each clock represents a person on earth and that every time a person tells a lie, the clock ticks off one-second. St. Peter explains that the one clock has never moved because it belonged to mother Theresa and she never told a lie her whole life. The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and since he only told two lies his whole life, only two seconds had clicked.
Hillary asks, ''Where is Bill's clock?''
St. Peter laughs, ''Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a fan.''
--------------
I am sure that none of us are so computer-illiterate that any of these
could happen to *us*. However...
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: ''I'd like a mouse mat, please.''
Salesperson: ''Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.''
Customer: ''But will they be compatible with my computer?''
* * * * *
I once received a FAX with a note on the bottom, asking me to FAX the
document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he
needed to keep it.
* * * * *
Customer in computer shop: ''Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for
me?''
* * * * *
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start
something like this:
Customer: ''Hi. Is this the Internet?''
* * * * *
Customer: ''So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?''
Tech Support: ''Yeah.''
Customer: ''And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?''
Tech Support: ''Uhh...uh...uh...yeah.''
* * * * *
Tech Support: ''All right...now, double-click on the File Manager icon.''
Customer: ''That's why I hate this Windows: because of the icons - I'm a
Protestant, and I don't believe in icons.''
Tech Support: ''Well, that's just an industry term, sir. I don't believe
it was meant to ...''
Customer: ''I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in
icons.''
Tech Support: ''Well...why don't you double-click on the 'little picture'
of a filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?''
Customer: [click-click]
* * * * *
~~~~~Customer: ''My computer crashed!''
Tech Support: ''It crashed?''
Customer: ''Yeah, it won't let me play my game.''
Tech Support: ''All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.''
Customer: ''No, it didn't crash - it crashed.''
Tech Support: ''Huh?''
Customer: ''I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my
spaceship and now it doesn't work.''
Tech Support: ''Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'''
Customer: [pause] ''Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?''
* * * * *
Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems:
the bottom half of each printed sheet came out blurry. It seemed
strange that the printer was smearing *only* the bottom half. I walked
her through the basics, then went over and printed out a test sheet. It
printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet. She sent a job to the
printer. As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed
it to me ... I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own.
Problem solved.
* * * * *
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for
about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't
solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print
fine. This truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan,
magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and
yellow; but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine
except for
yellow! I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer
delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers
for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of
troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in
to us for repair when she asked quietly, ''Should I try printing on a
piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?''
* * * * *
Tech Support: ''OK, Sir, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
''Now, type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.''
Customer: ''I don't have a 'P'.''
Tech Support: ''On your keyboard, Sir.''
Customer: ''What do you mean?''
Tech Support: '''P' on your keyboard, Sir.''
Customer: ''I'm not going to do that!''
* * * * *
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech
support number, complaining about the error message: ''Can't find the
printer.'' On the phone, the man explained that he even held the printer
up in front of the screen, but the computer *still* couldn't find it!
* * * * *
And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in
the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also
complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very
embarrassed when we
asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.
* * * * *
Customer: ''Hello? I'm trying to dial in. I installed the software OK,
and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two
computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the
phone to
see if they were still connected, and I got the message, 'No carrier,'
on my screen. What's wrong?''
* * * * *
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows
installation that had gone terribly wrong..
Customer: ''I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my
home computer.'' (Training stresses that we are ''not the Software
Police,'' so I let the little act of piracy slide.)
Tech Support: ''Umm-hmm. What happened?'' Customer: ''As I put each disk
in, it turned out they weren't initialized.''
Tech Support: ''Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?''
Customer: (proudly) ''I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk.
Would you like to initialize it?'''
Tech Support: ''Er, what happened next?''
Customer: ''After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be
blank. And now I've brought them back to work, and I can't read them in
the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of
Windows
disks for the whole office ... Did I do something wrong?''
* * * * *
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone,
and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into
the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers
and
switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing,
and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the tutor
over, and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would
happen. The
tutor tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor, and
quaking red-faced. I typed, ''Leave me alone!'' They both jumped back as
this appeared on their screen. ''What the...'' the tutor said. I typed, ''I
said, leave me alone!'' The kid got real upset. ''I didn't do anything to
it, I swear!'' The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an
amazing five minutes. Me: ''Don't touch me!'' Her: ''I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to hit your keys that hard.'' Me: ''Who do you think you are
anyway?!'' Etc, etc. ... Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer,
and literally fell out of my chair laughing! After they realized what I
had done, they both turned
beet-red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
* * * * *
This guy called in to complain that he got an ''Access Denied'' message
every time he tried to log in. It turned out he was typing his username
and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: ''Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters.''
Customer: ''Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard.''
* * * * *
Email from a friend: ''CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?''
* * * * *
My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed
a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms
crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes
he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was
impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she
replied, ''It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes
ago!''
Contributed by BG
Heavenly Hillary...
--------------
Hillary Clinton dies and goes to Heaven where she meets St. Peter. She notices that there are clocks everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are there so many clocks here.
St. Peter tells her that each clock represents a person on earth and that every time a person tells a lie, the clock ticks off one-second. St. Peter explains that the one clock has never moved because it belonged to mother Theresa and she never told a lie her whole life. The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and since he only told two lies his whole life, only two seconds had clicked.
Hillary asks, ''Where is Bill's clock?''
St. Peter laughs, ''Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a fan.''
The emperor
An emperor in the Far East was growing old and knew it was time to
choose
his successor. Instead of choosing one of his assistants or his
children, he
decided something different. He called young people in the kingdom
together
one day.
He said, "It is time for me to step down and choose the next emperor. I
have decided to choose one of you."
The kids were shocked! But the emperor continued. "I am going to give
each
one of you a seed today. One very special seed. I want you to plant the
seed, water it and come back here one year from today with what you have
grown from this one seed. I will then judge the plants that you bring,
and
the one I choose will be the next emperor!"
One boy named Pal was there that day and he, like the others, received a
seed. He went home and excitedly told his mother the story. She helped
him
get a pot and planting soil, and he planted the seed and watered it
carefully. Every day he would water it and watch to see if it had
grown.
After about three weeks, some of the other youths began to talk about
their
seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow. Pal kept checking his
seed, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, 4 weeks, 5 weeks went by.
Still
nothing.
By now, others were talking about their plants but Pal didn't have a
plant,
and he felt like a failure. Six months went by -- still nothing in Pal's
pot. He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and
tall
plants, but he had nothing. Pal didn't say anything to his friend,
however.
He just kept waiting for his seed to grow.
A year finally went by and all the youths of the kingdom brought their
plants to the emperor for inspection. Pal told his mother that he wasn't
going to take an empty pot. But honest about what happened, Pal felt
sick to
his stomach, but he knew his mother was right. He took his empty pot to
the
palace. When Pal arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown
by
the other youths. They were beautiful--in all shapes and sizes. Pal put
his
empty pot on the floor and many of the other kids laughed at him. A few
felt
sorry for him and just said, "Hey nice try."
When the emperor arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted the young
people.
Pal just tried to hide in the back. "My, what great plants, trees and
flowers you have grown," said the emperor. "Today, one of you will be
appointed the next emperor!" All of a sudden, the emperor spotted Pal at
the
back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered his guards to bring him
to
the front. Pal was terrified. "The emperor knows I'm a failure! Maybe he
will have me killed!"
When Pal got to the front, the Emperor asked his name. "My name is Pal,"
he
replied. All the kids were laughing and making fun of him. The emperor
asked
everyone to quiet down. He looked at Pal, and then announced to the
crowd,
"Behold your new emperor! His name is Pal!"
Pal couldn't believe it. Pal couldn't even grow his seed. How could he
be
the new emperor? Then the emperor said, "One year ago today, I gave
everyone
here a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring
it
back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds which would not grow.
All of you, except Pal, have brought me trees and plants and flowers.
When
you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for
the
one I gave you. Pal was the only one with the courage and honesty to
bring
me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the
new
emperor!"
If you plant honesty, You will reap trust
If you plant goodness, You will reap friends
If you plant humility, You will reap greatness
If you plant perseverance, You will reap victory
If you plant consideration, You will reap harmony
If you plant hard work, You will reap success
If you plant forgiveness, You will reap reconciliation
If you plant openness, You will reap intimacy
If you plant patience, You will reap improvements
If you plant faith, You will reap miracles
So be careful what you plant now,
It will determine what you will reap tomorrow.
The seeds you now scatter,
Will make life worse or better your life or the ones who will come
after.
Yes, someday, you will enjoy the fruits,
Or you will pay for the choices you plant today.
choose
his successor. Instead of choosing one of his assistants or his
children, he
decided something different. He called young people in the kingdom
together
one day.
He said, "It is time for me to step down and choose the next emperor. I
have decided to choose one of you."
The kids were shocked! But the emperor continued. "I am going to give
each
one of you a seed today. One very special seed. I want you to plant the
seed, water it and come back here one year from today with what you have
grown from this one seed. I will then judge the plants that you bring,
and
the one I choose will be the next emperor!"
One boy named Pal was there that day and he, like the others, received a
seed. He went home and excitedly told his mother the story. She helped
him
get a pot and planting soil, and he planted the seed and watered it
carefully. Every day he would water it and watch to see if it had
grown.
After about three weeks, some of the other youths began to talk about
their
seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow. Pal kept checking his
seed, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, 4 weeks, 5 weeks went by.
Still
nothing.
By now, others were talking about their plants but Pal didn't have a
plant,
and he felt like a failure. Six months went by -- still nothing in Pal's
pot. He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and
tall
plants, but he had nothing. Pal didn't say anything to his friend,
however.
He just kept waiting for his seed to grow.
A year finally went by and all the youths of the kingdom brought their
plants to the emperor for inspection. Pal told his mother that he wasn't
going to take an empty pot. But honest about what happened, Pal felt
sick to
his stomach, but he knew his mother was right. He took his empty pot to
the
palace. When Pal arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown
by
the other youths. They were beautiful--in all shapes and sizes. Pal put
his
empty pot on the floor and many of the other kids laughed at him. A few
felt
sorry for him and just said, "Hey nice try."
When the emperor arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted the young
people.
Pal just tried to hide in the back. "My, what great plants, trees and
flowers you have grown," said the emperor. "Today, one of you will be
appointed the next emperor!" All of a sudden, the emperor spotted Pal at
the
back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered his guards to bring him
to
the front. Pal was terrified. "The emperor knows I'm a failure! Maybe he
will have me killed!"
When Pal got to the front, the Emperor asked his name. "My name is Pal,"
he
replied. All the kids were laughing and making fun of him. The emperor
asked
everyone to quiet down. He looked at Pal, and then announced to the
crowd,
"Behold your new emperor! His name is Pal!"
Pal couldn't believe it. Pal couldn't even grow his seed. How could he
be
the new emperor? Then the emperor said, "One year ago today, I gave
everyone
here a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring
it
back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds which would not grow.
All of you, except Pal, have brought me trees and plants and flowers.
When
you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for
the
one I gave you. Pal was the only one with the courage and honesty to
bring
me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the
new
emperor!"
If you plant honesty, You will reap trust
If you plant goodness, You will reap friends
If you plant humility, You will reap greatness
If you plant perseverance, You will reap victory
If you plant consideration, You will reap harmony
If you plant hard work, You will reap success
If you plant forgiveness, You will reap reconciliation
If you plant openness, You will reap intimacy
If you plant patience, You will reap improvements
If you plant faith, You will reap miracles
So be careful what you plant now,
It will determine what you will reap tomorrow.
The seeds you now scatter,
Will make life worse or better your life or the ones who will come
after.
Yes, someday, you will enjoy the fruits,
Or you will pay for the choices you plant today.
Three Guys
Three guys were out in the woods bear hunting. One of the guys
says "I am going to sit by this tree".
Knowing the first guy was new to hunting, the other two guys
say to him, "Whatever happens, don't say a single word".
The other two continue on and find a good spot for hunting.
Just as they were about to sit down, they hear the other guy
scream. They run back to the man that they left behind. When
they get there the man is still sitting by the tree.
Confused, the two men said, "Why did you scream? We told you
not to say anything no matter what happened."
The guy looks the other two right in the eyes and says, "When
that snake crawled over my legs, I didn't scream.
When that bear growled right in my face, I didn't scream.
But I could hold it no longer when them two chipmunks crawled
up my pant legs and said to each other, 'Do we eat here or take
them to go?'"
says "I am going to sit by this tree".
Knowing the first guy was new to hunting, the other two guys
say to him, "Whatever happens, don't say a single word".
The other two continue on and find a good spot for hunting.
Just as they were about to sit down, they hear the other guy
scream. They run back to the man that they left behind. When
they get there the man is still sitting by the tree.
Confused, the two men said, "Why did you scream? We told you
not to say anything no matter what happened."
The guy looks the other two right in the eyes and says, "When
that snake crawled over my legs, I didn't scream.
When that bear growled right in my face, I didn't scream.
But I could hold it no longer when them two chipmunks crawled
up my pant legs and said to each other, 'Do we eat here or take
them to go?'"
Think positive
THINK POSITIVE!
SAY TO YOURSELF
* TODAY IS GOING TO BE A GOOD DAY
* I CAN HANDLE MORE THAN I THINK I CAN
* THINGS DO NOT GET BETTER BY WORRYING ABOUT THEM
* I CAN BE SATISFIED IF I TRY TO DO MY BEST
* THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT
* I AM GOING TO MAKE SOMEONE HAPPY TODAY
* A FAMILY THAT PRAYS TOGETHER STAYS TOGETHER
* A FAMILY THAT LAUGHS TOGETHER GROWS TOGETHER
* A FAMILY THAT EATS TOGETHER STAYS TOGETHER
* A FAMILY THAT LEARNS TOGETHER EARNS TOGETHER
SAY TO YOURSELF
* TODAY IS GOING TO BE A GOOD DAY
* I CAN HANDLE MORE THAN I THINK I CAN
* THINGS DO NOT GET BETTER BY WORRYING ABOUT THEM
* I CAN BE SATISFIED IF I TRY TO DO MY BEST
* THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT
* I AM GOING TO MAKE SOMEONE HAPPY TODAY
* A FAMILY THAT PRAYS TOGETHER STAYS TOGETHER
* A FAMILY THAT LAUGHS TOGETHER GROWS TOGETHER
* A FAMILY THAT EATS TOGETHER STAYS TOGETHER
* A FAMILY THAT LEARNS TOGETHER EARNS TOGETHER
Think different
>> > > > Take a break... this is a good one... think different....
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > > >
>> > > > Guess the word.
>> > > >
>> > > > 1. man
>> > > > ------------
>> > > > board
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = man overboard
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 2. stand
>> > > > ------------
>> > > > i
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = I understand
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > ok?....get the drift?
>> > > > Let's try a few now & see how you fair?
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = reading between the lines
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 4. r
>> > > > road
>> > > > a
>> > > > d
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = cross road
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 5. cycle
>> > > > cycle
>> > > > cycle
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = tricycle
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 6.
>> > > > t
>> > > > o
>> > > > w
>> > > > n
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = downtown
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 7.
>> > > > le /
>> > > > / vel
>> > > > /
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = split level
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 8 . 0
>> > > > ------------
>> > > > M.D.
>> > > > Ph.D.
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = two degrees below zero
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 9. knee
>> > > > ------------
>> > > > light
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = neon light (knee-on-light)
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 10. ii ii
>> > > > ---------
>> > > > O O
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = circles under the eyes
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 11. dice
>> > > > dice
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = paradise
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 12. t
>> > > > o
>> > > > u
>> > > > c
>> > > > h
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = touchdown
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 13. ground
>> > > > ---------------
>> > > > feet
>> > > > feet
>> > > > feet
>> > > > feet
>> > > > feet
>> > > > feet
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = six feet underground
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 14. he's / himself
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = he's by himself
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 15. ecnalg
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = backward glance
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 16. death / life
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = life after death
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 17 THINK
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. think big !!
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 18 ababaaabbbb....
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. long time ,no 'c'(see)
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > > >
>> > > > Guess the word.
>> > > >
>> > > > 1. man
>> > > > ------------
>> > > > board
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = man overboard
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 2. stand
>> > > > ------------
>> > > > i
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = I understand
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > ok?....get the drift?
>> > > > Let's try a few now & see how you fair?
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = reading between the lines
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 4. r
>> > > > road
>> > > > a
>> > > > d
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = cross road
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 5. cycle
>> > > > cycle
>> > > > cycle
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = tricycle
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 6.
>> > > > t
>> > > > o
>> > > > w
>> > > > n
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = downtown
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 7.
>> > > > le /
>> > > > / vel
>> > > > /
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = split level
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 8 . 0
>> > > > ------------
>> > > > M.D.
>> > > > Ph.D.
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = two degrees below zero
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 9. knee
>> > > > ------------
>> > > > light
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = neon light (knee-on-light)
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 10. ii ii
>> > > > ---------
>> > > > O O
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = circles under the eyes
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 11. dice
>> > > > dice
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = paradise
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 12. t
>> > > > o
>> > > > u
>> > > > c
>> > > > h
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = touchdown
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 13. ground
>> > > > ---------------
>> > > > feet
>> > > > feet
>> > > > feet
>> > > > feet
>> > > > feet
>> > > > feet
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = six feet underground
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 14. he's / himself
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = he's by himself
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 15. ecnalg
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = backward glance
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 16. death / life
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. = life after death
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 17 THINK
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. think big !!
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > 18 ababaaabbbb....
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Ans. long time ,no 'c'(see)
>> > > >
>> > > >
>> > > >
Letter from a Sardar's Mother to her son
>
>Subject: Letter from a Sardar's Mother to her son!
>
>
> Pyaarey puttar,
>
> I'm writing this letter slow, because I know you cannot read fast.
> We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
> paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we
> moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last Sardar
> who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their next
> house,so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is
> really nice. It even has a washing machine situated right above the
> commode. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3
> shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather
> here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first it
> rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
>
> The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a
> little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so
> we cut them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has another
> job. He has 500 people under him. He is cutting the grass at the
> cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out
> whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an
> Aunt or Uncle.
>
> Your uncle, Jatinder fell in a the nearby well. Some men tried to
> pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We
> re-cremated him and he burned for three days. Your best
> friend,Balwinder is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's
> last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he
> died.your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for
> his father. There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has
> happened.
>
>Love Mom.
>
>P. S : I was going to send you some money but the envelope
> was already sealed.
>Subject: Letter from a Sardar's Mother to her son!
>
>
> Pyaarey puttar,
>
> I'm writing this letter slow, because I know you cannot read fast.
> We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
> paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we
> moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last Sardar
> who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their next
> house,so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is
> really nice. It even has a washing machine situated right above the
> commode. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3
> shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather
> here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first it
> rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
>
> The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a
> little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so
> we cut them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has another
> job. He has 500 people under him. He is cutting the grass at the
> cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out
> whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an
> Aunt or Uncle.
>
> Your uncle, Jatinder fell in a the nearby well. Some men tried to
> pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We
> re-cremated him and he burned for three days. Your best
> friend,Balwinder is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's
> last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he
> died.your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for
> his father. There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has
> happened.
>
>Love Mom.
>
>P. S : I was going to send you some money but the envelope
> was already sealed.
Tired
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much
> pressure from my job but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired
> because I'm overworked.
>
> The population of this country is 90 crores.
> 17 crores are retired. That leaves 73 crores to do the work.
> There are 24 crores in school, which leaves 49 crore to do the work.
> Of this there are 20 crores employed by the Central government,
> leaving 29 crores to do the work.
>
> 3 crores are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 26 crores to do the
> work. Take from the total the 18 crores people who work for State and
> Governments and that leaves 8 crores to do the work.
>
> Total unemployed are 6 crores that leaves 2 crores to do the work. At
> any given time there are 1.2 crore people in hospitals, leaving
> 80,00,000 to do the work
>
> Now, there are 79,99,998 people in prisons.
> That leaves just two people to do the work.
>
> You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
>
> No doubt I am overworked.
> pressure from my job but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired
> because I'm overworked.
>
> The population of this country is 90 crores.
> 17 crores are retired. That leaves 73 crores to do the work.
> There are 24 crores in school, which leaves 49 crore to do the work.
> Of this there are 20 crores employed by the Central government,
> leaving 29 crores to do the work.
>
> 3 crores are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 26 crores to do the
> work. Take from the total the 18 crores people who work for State and
> Governments and that leaves 8 crores to do the work.
>
> Total unemployed are 6 crores that leaves 2 crores to do the work. At
> any given time there are 1.2 crore people in hospitals, leaving
> 80,00,000 to do the work
>
> Now, there are 79,99,998 people in prisons.
> That leaves just two people to do the work.
>
> You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
>
> No doubt I am overworked.
Unquotable quotes
Hi Everybody,
Enjoy a few of these Unquotable quotes and also check out the attachment.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
-Pierre Pachet,Professor of Physiology at Toulouse,1872.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-Bill Gates,1981
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
-Ken Olson,president,chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,1977
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk."
-H.M.Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
-Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."
-Drillers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
-Irving Fisher,Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
-Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.
"But what ... is it good for?"
-Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Divison of IBM,1968,commenting on the
microchip.
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
-Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"This telephone has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of
communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
-Western Union internal memo,1876.
"I think there is a world market of maybe five computers."
-Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM,1943.
"Correctly English in 100 Days"
-Title from an East Asian book for beginning English speakers.
"India is the finest climate under the sun; but a lot of young fellows come out here,and they drink
and they eat,and they drink and die;and then they write home to the their parents a pack of lies,
and say it's the climate that has killed them."
- Sir Collin Campbell, British officer charged by British War Department to report on morale
problems with the British Army in India.
"It is curious to observe the various substitutes for paper before its invention."
-Isaac D'Israeli, noted author.
"You're partly one hundred percent right."
-movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn.
"I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them for five years."
-movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn.
"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."
-attributed to Senator S.I.Hayakawa
"I usually take a two -hour nap, from one o'clock to four."
-Yogi Berra.
"I didn't inhale."
-Bill Clinton, as Democratic presidential candidate, answering rumors that he had smoked
marijuana.
"I'm not indecisive. Am I indecisive?
-Jim Seibel, mayor of St. Paul, Minnesota.
"Sir, you have tasted two whole worms; you have hissed all my mystery lectures and been caught
fighting liars in the quad, you will leave Oxford by the next town drain."
-Rev. William A. Spooner telling a student to leave his class for nonattendance and lighting fires;
his classic spoonerism
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
-movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn.
"The bombs are aimed exclusively at military targets....Unfortunately there are some civilians
around these targets."
-Dwight D. Eisenhower,standing up for the way the United States was handling bombing in
North Vietnam.
"Don't talk to me while I'm interrupting."
-director Michael Curtiz.
"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."
-Yogi Berra.
"I love sports. Whenever I can I always watch the Detriot Tigers on radio."
-President Gerald Ford.
"The time is here, and is rapidly approaching."
-William Field, Member of Parliament.
Tom Seaver: "What time is it?"
Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.
-ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as initially translated in to Chinese.
"It gets late early out there."
-Yogi Berra.
"Brooks Robinson is not a fast man, but his arms and legs move very quickly."
-Curt Gowd, network sports announcer
"Mr. Speaker, this bill is a phony with a capital F."
-congressman durng a heated congressional debate.
"It was necessary to destroy the village in order to save it."
-an American officer in Vietnam in a 1968 report on the razing of Vietnamese village Ben Tre.
Members and Non -Members Only.
-sign outside Mexico's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emperio.
"It's dull from beginning to end. But it's loaded with entertainment."
- Michael Curtiz, Hollywood Director, on a musical.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass - and I'm just the one to
do it."
-a congressional candidate in Texas, reported by Massachusetts State Senator John F. Parker .
"I never said I had no idea about most of the things you said I said I had no idea about."
-Elliott Abrams, Assistant Secretary of State, clarifying himself before a 1987 congressional meeting.
"I introduce to you Reverend Father McFadden known all over the world, and other places besides."
-introduction in Parliament, ninteenth century.
"I suppose you think that on our board half the directors do the work and the other half do nothing. As a matter of fact, gentlemen, the reverse is the case."
-a chairman of the board of a prominent company defending his fellow directors.
"Due to an administrative error, the original of the attached letter was forwarded to you. A new original has been accomplished and forwarded to AAC/JA (Alaskan Air Command, Judge Advocate office). Please place this carbon copy in your files and destroy the original."
-a memo from the Alaska Air Command, February 1973.
"They gave me a standing observation."
- ex -Houston Oiler and Florida State coach Bill Peterson.
"You're a parasite for sore eyes."
-attributed to actor/director Gregory Ratoff.
"If at any time I change my address when I notify you I hope you will be so kind as to change also."
-letter from a reader renewing his subscription, received by the business manager of Motor News.
"You always write it's bombing, bombing, bombing. It's not bombing, it's air support."
-U. S. Air Force Colonel David Opfer, air attache in Cambodia, complaining to reporters about
their coverage of the Vietnam War.
Enjoy a few of these Unquotable quotes and also check out the attachment.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
-Pierre Pachet,Professor of Physiology at Toulouse,1872.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-Bill Gates,1981
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
-Ken Olson,president,chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,1977
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk."
-H.M.Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
-Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."
-Drillers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
-Irving Fisher,Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
-Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.
"But what ... is it good for?"
-Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Divison of IBM,1968,commenting on the
microchip.
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
-Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"This telephone has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of
communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
-Western Union internal memo,1876.
"I think there is a world market of maybe five computers."
-Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM,1943.
"Correctly English in 100 Days"
-Title from an East Asian book for beginning English speakers.
"India is the finest climate under the sun; but a lot of young fellows come out here,and they drink
and they eat,and they drink and die;and then they write home to the their parents a pack of lies,
and say it's the climate that has killed them."
- Sir Collin Campbell, British officer charged by British War Department to report on morale
problems with the British Army in India.
"It is curious to observe the various substitutes for paper before its invention."
-Isaac D'Israeli, noted author.
"You're partly one hundred percent right."
-movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn.
"I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them for five years."
-movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn.
"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."
-attributed to Senator S.I.Hayakawa
"I usually take a two -hour nap, from one o'clock to four."
-Yogi Berra.
"I didn't inhale."
-Bill Clinton, as Democratic presidential candidate, answering rumors that he had smoked
marijuana.
"I'm not indecisive. Am I indecisive?
-Jim Seibel, mayor of St. Paul, Minnesota.
"Sir, you have tasted two whole worms; you have hissed all my mystery lectures and been caught
fighting liars in the quad, you will leave Oxford by the next town drain."
-Rev. William A. Spooner telling a student to leave his class for nonattendance and lighting fires;
his classic spoonerism
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
-movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn.
"The bombs are aimed exclusively at military targets....Unfortunately there are some civilians
around these targets."
-Dwight D. Eisenhower,standing up for the way the United States was handling bombing in
North Vietnam.
"Don't talk to me while I'm interrupting."
-director Michael Curtiz.
"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."
-Yogi Berra.
"I love sports. Whenever I can I always watch the Detriot Tigers on radio."
-President Gerald Ford.
"The time is here, and is rapidly approaching."
-William Field, Member of Parliament.
Tom Seaver: "What time is it?"
Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.
-ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as initially translated in to Chinese.
"It gets late early out there."
-Yogi Berra.
"Brooks Robinson is not a fast man, but his arms and legs move very quickly."
-Curt Gowd, network sports announcer
"Mr. Speaker, this bill is a phony with a capital F."
-congressman durng a heated congressional debate.
"It was necessary to destroy the village in order to save it."
-an American officer in Vietnam in a 1968 report on the razing of Vietnamese village Ben Tre.
Members and Non -Members Only.
-sign outside Mexico's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emperio.
"It's dull from beginning to end. But it's loaded with entertainment."
- Michael Curtiz, Hollywood Director, on a musical.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass - and I'm just the one to
do it."
-a congressional candidate in Texas, reported by Massachusetts State Senator John F. Parker .
"I never said I had no idea about most of the things you said I said I had no idea about."
-Elliott Abrams, Assistant Secretary of State, clarifying himself before a 1987 congressional meeting.
"I introduce to you Reverend Father McFadden known all over the world, and other places besides."
-introduction in Parliament, ninteenth century.
"I suppose you think that on our board half the directors do the work and the other half do nothing. As a matter of fact, gentlemen, the reverse is the case."
-a chairman of the board of a prominent company defending his fellow directors.
"Due to an administrative error, the original of the attached letter was forwarded to you. A new original has been accomplished and forwarded to AAC/JA (Alaskan Air Command, Judge Advocate office). Please place this carbon copy in your files and destroy the original."
-a memo from the Alaska Air Command, February 1973.
"They gave me a standing observation."
- ex -Houston Oiler and Florida State coach Bill Peterson.
"You're a parasite for sore eyes."
-attributed to actor/director Gregory Ratoff.
"If at any time I change my address when I notify you I hope you will be so kind as to change also."
-letter from a reader renewing his subscription, received by the business manager of Motor News.
"You always write it's bombing, bombing, bombing. It's not bombing, it's air support."
-U. S. Air Force Colonel David Opfer, air attache in Cambodia, complaining to reporters about
their coverage of the Vietnam War.
solve it
1. _______
| sand |
|_______|
Ans =sand box
2. man
------------
board
Ans = man overboard
3. stand
------------
i
Ans = I understand
4. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/
Ans = reading between the lines
6. r
road
a
d
Ans = cross road
7. cycle
cycle
cycle
Ans =tricycle
8. t
o
w
n
Ans =downtown
9. /
le /
/ vel
/
Ans =split level
10. 0
------------
M.D.
Ph.D.
Ans =two degrees below zero
11. knee
------------
light
Ans =neon light (knee-on-light)
12. ii ii
---------
O O
Ans = circles under the eyes
13. dice
dice
dice
---
----
Ans = paradise
14. t
o
u
c
h
Ans = touchdown
15. ground
---------------
feet
feet
feet
feet
feet
feet
Ans = six feet underground
16. mind
------------
matter
Ans = mind over matter
17. he's / himself
Ans = he's beside himself
18. ecnalg
Ans = backward glance
19. death / life
Ans = life after death
| sand |
|_______|
Ans =sand box
2. man
------------
board
Ans = man overboard
3. stand
------------
i
Ans = I understand
4. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/
Ans = reading between the lines
6. r
road
a
d
Ans = cross road
7. cycle
cycle
cycle
Ans =tricycle
8. t
o
w
n
Ans =downtown
9. /
le /
/ vel
/
Ans =split level
10. 0
------------
M.D.
Ph.D.
Ans =two degrees below zero
11. knee
------------
light
Ans =neon light (knee-on-light)
12. ii ii
---------
O O
Ans = circles under the eyes
13. dice
dice
dice
---
----
Ans = paradise
14. t
o
u
c
h
Ans = touchdown
15. ground
---------------
feet
feet
feet
feet
feet
feet
Ans = six feet underground
16. mind
------------
matter
Ans = mind over matter
17. he's / himself
Ans = he's beside himself
18. ecnalg
Ans = backward glance
19. death / life
Ans = life after death
Value of Mother
The little boy came into the kitchen one evening while the mother was
fixing supper, and he handed over a piece of paper he'd been writing
on. After wiping her hands on the apron, the mother read it,
and this was what it said:
For mowing the grass,$5.
For making my own bed this week,$1.
For going to the store,$1.
For playing with baby brother while you went shopping,$1.
For taking out the trash,$1.
For getting a good report card,$5.
And for raking the yard,$2.
The mother looked at him standing there expectantly, and a
thousand memories flashed through her mind. She picked up
the paper, and turning it over, wrote:
For the nine months I carried you , growing inside me, No charge.
For the nights I sat up with you, doctored you, prayed for you , No charge.
For the time and the tears, and the cost through the years, No charge.
For the nights filled with dread, and the worries ahead, No charge.
For the advice and the knowledge, and the cost of your college, No charge.
For the toys , food and clothes, and for wiping your nose, No charge.
Son, when you add it all up, the full cost of my love is No charge.
When the child finished reading, he had great big tears in his eyes.
He looked up at his mother and said, "Mama , I sure do love you."
Then he took the pen and in great big letters he wrote :
fixing supper, and he handed over a piece of paper he'd been writing
on. After wiping her hands on the apron, the mother read it,
and this was what it said:
For mowing the grass,$5.
For making my own bed this week,$1.
For going to the store,$1.
For playing with baby brother while you went shopping,$1.
For taking out the trash,$1.
For getting a good report card,$5.
And for raking the yard,$2.
The mother looked at him standing there expectantly, and a
thousand memories flashed through her mind. She picked up
the paper, and turning it over, wrote:
For the nine months I carried you , growing inside me, No charge.
For the nights I sat up with you, doctored you, prayed for you , No charge.
For the time and the tears, and the cost through the years, No charge.
For the nights filled with dread, and the worries ahead, No charge.
For the advice and the knowledge, and the cost of your college, No charge.
For the toys , food and clothes, and for wiping your nose, No charge.
Son, when you add it all up, the full cost of my love is No charge.
When the child finished reading, he had great big tears in his eyes.
He looked up at his mother and said, "Mama , I sure do love you."
Then he took the pen and in great big letters he wrote :
Funny Physics of all scientists
>
>
> 1. Newton's Method:
>
> Let Veerappan catch you. For every action there is
> equal and opposite
> reaction. Implies you caught Veerappan.
>
> 2. Einstein Method: Run in the direction opposite to
> that of Veerappan.
> Due to higher relative velocity, the Veerappan will
> also run faster and
> will get tired soon. Now you can trap Him easily.
>
> 3. Schrodinger Method:
>
> At any given moment, there is a positive probability
> that Veerappan to be
> in the Jungle. So set the sandal trap, sit down and
> wait.
>
> 4. Inverse Transformation Method:
>
> We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter
> it. Perform an inverse
> transformation with respect to Veerappan. Veerappan
> is in and we are out.
>
> 5. Thermodynamic Procedure:
>
> We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows
> every thing to pass it
> except Veerappan. Then sweep the entire forest with
> it.
>
> 6. Integration Differentiation Method:
>
> Integrate the forest over the entire area. Veerappan
> is some where in the
> result. So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t
> Veerappan to trace out
> Veerappan.
>
> 7. The Banta's singh's Method
>
> Don't even try. You'll get caught by Veerappan!
>
>
>
> 1. Newton's Method:
>
> Let Veerappan catch you. For every action there is
> equal and opposite
> reaction. Implies you caught Veerappan.
>
> 2. Einstein Method: Run in the direction opposite to
> that of Veerappan.
> Due to higher relative velocity, the Veerappan will
> also run faster and
> will get tired soon. Now you can trap Him easily.
>
> 3. Schrodinger Method:
>
> At any given moment, there is a positive probability
> that Veerappan to be
> in the Jungle. So set the sandal trap, sit down and
> wait.
>
> 4. Inverse Transformation Method:
>
> We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter
> it. Perform an inverse
> transformation with respect to Veerappan. Veerappan
> is in and we are out.
>
> 5. Thermodynamic Procedure:
>
> We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows
> every thing to pass it
> except Veerappan. Then sweep the entire forest with
> it.
>
> 6. Integration Differentiation Method:
>
> Integrate the forest over the entire area. Veerappan
> is some where in the
> result. So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t
> Veerappan to trace out
> Veerappan.
>
> 7. The Banta's singh's Method
>
> Don't even try. You'll get caught by Veerappan!
>
>
women misunderstandings
Women (Those Special Creations)
If you are well dressed, she thinks you are a playboy.
if you are not, she thinks you are rugged.
if you kiss her, you are not a gentleman.
if you don't, you are not a man.
if you praise her, she thinks you are a liar.
if you don't , you are good for nothing.
if you visit her often, she thinks you are boring.
if you don't , she accuses you of double crossing.
if you visit another, she accuses you of being a ditcher.
if she is visited by another, Oh; it is natural, we are girls.
if you contradict her, she does not like it.
if you don't , she thinks you are gullible.
Oh women so simple, yet so complex, so weak, yet so powerful,
so confusing yet so desirable .
If you are well dressed, she thinks you are a playboy.
if you are not, she thinks you are rugged.
if you kiss her, you are not a gentleman.
if you don't, you are not a man.
if you praise her, she thinks you are a liar.
if you don't , you are good for nothing.
if you visit her often, she thinks you are boring.
if you don't , she accuses you of double crossing.
if you visit another, she accuses you of being a ditcher.
if she is visited by another, Oh; it is natural, we are girls.
if you contradict her, she does not like it.
if you don't , she thinks you are gullible.
Oh women so simple, yet so complex, so weak, yet so powerful,
so confusing yet so desirable .
Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife
>
>A software Engineer writes ...
>Subject : Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife
>
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
>and noticed that the new program began unexpected
>child processing that took up a lot of space and
>valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon
>was included in the product brochure.
>In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other
>programs and launches during system initialization,
>where it monitors all other system activity.
>applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and
>Saturday Night Pubs 5.0 no longer run, crashing the
>system whenever selected. I can not to keep Wife 1.0
>in the background while attempting to run some of my
>other favorite applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance
>'n'Drunk 2.0 and Bachelor Party 7.77.
>I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but
>the UN-install does not work on this program. Once I
>tried to uninstall Wife 1.0 but got this error
>=22General Protection Fault in module House Security.
>The Uninstallation will abort.=22
>Can you help me, please=21=21=21
>-----------------------------
>A reply ...
>Dear Software Engineer,
>Ref : Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife
>This is a very common problem men complain about, but
>is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people
>upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife1.0 with the idea
>that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT
>program. Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and
>designed by its creator to run everything. It is
>unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and
>still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible
>to UN-install, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the
>system once installed.
>You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0
>is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install
>Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more
>problems than the original system. Look in your manual
>under =22Warnings-Alimony/Child Support=22 which was given
>to you at the time of registration with Wife 1.0.
>I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the
>situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might
>also suggest you read the entire section regarding
>General Partnership Faults (GPFs). The best course of
>action will be to enter the command C:=5C APOLOGIZE.
>Infact I would suggest u to use this command everytime
>Wife 1.0 crashes on your system. Wife 1.0 is a great
>program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying
>additional software to improve the performance of Wife
>1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or
> Movies 4.5 which will improve the performance of Wife1.0.
>Do not, under any circumstances, install Visual
>Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a
>supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to
>cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
>Recent Survey says that Add-On software's like Visual
>Saree 2.0, Diamond Necklace3.0, Holidays 1.0 are the
>best Third Party tools that supports Wife 1.0 program
>to run smoothly and effectively.
>A software Engineer writes ...
>Subject : Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife
>
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
>and noticed that the new program began unexpected
>child processing that took up a lot of space and
>valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon
>was included in the product brochure.
>In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other
>programs and launches during system initialization,
>where it monitors all other system activity.
>applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and
>Saturday Night Pubs 5.0 no longer run, crashing the
>system whenever selected. I can not to keep Wife 1.0
>in the background while attempting to run some of my
>other favorite applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance
>'n'Drunk 2.0 and Bachelor Party 7.77.
>I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but
>the UN-install does not work on this program. Once I
>tried to uninstall Wife 1.0 but got this error
>=22General Protection Fault in module House Security.
>The Uninstallation will abort.=22
>Can you help me, please=21=21=21
>-----------------------------
>A reply ...
>Dear Software Engineer,
>Ref : Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife
>This is a very common problem men complain about, but
>is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people
>upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife1.0 with the idea
>that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT
>program. Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and
>designed by its creator to run everything. It is
>unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and
>still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible
>to UN-install, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the
>system once installed.
>You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0
>is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install
>Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more
>problems than the original system. Look in your manual
>under =22Warnings-Alimony/Child Support=22 which was given
>to you at the time of registration with Wife 1.0.
>I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the
>situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might
>also suggest you read the entire section regarding
>General Partnership Faults (GPFs). The best course of
>action will be to enter the command C:=5C APOLOGIZE.
>Infact I would suggest u to use this command everytime
>Wife 1.0 crashes on your system. Wife 1.0 is a great
>program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying
>additional software to improve the performance of Wife
>1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or
> Movies 4.5 which will improve the performance of Wife1.0.
>Do not, under any circumstances, install Visual
>Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a
>supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to
>cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
>Recent Survey says that Add-On software's like Visual
>Saree 2.0, Diamond Necklace3.0, Holidays 1.0 are the
>best Third Party tools that supports Wife 1.0 program
>to run smoothly and effectively.
Surgical Subject
So, it seems this group of surgeons were sitting about
during an interlude, when the usual topic came up...
The first surgeon said:
"Accountants are the best to operate on because when
you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second surgeon said:
"Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them
is in alphabetical order."
The third pipes up:
"Try electricians! Everything inside THEM is color
coded."
The fourth sneers:
"Lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and
their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly
listening to the conversation while sipping from a
bottle of Jack Daniels (as all surgeons do between
operations), says:
"I like engineers... they always understand when you
have a few parts left over at the end."
during an interlude, when the usual topic came up...
The first surgeon said:
"Accountants are the best to operate on because when
you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second surgeon said:
"Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them
is in alphabetical order."
The third pipes up:
"Try electricians! Everything inside THEM is color
coded."
The fourth sneers:
"Lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and
their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly
listening to the conversation while sipping from a
bottle of Jack Daniels (as all surgeons do between
operations), says:
"I like engineers... they always understand when you
have a few parts left over at the end."
Hindi Microsoft....
Bill Gates announced that Microsoft plans to
release a windows version
in Hindi.
Here are some Windows related terms that are
proposed to be used in
the Hindi version of..
...........Khidkiyan'Picchanavey:
1.Phaail = File
2.Bachao = Save
3.Aise Bachao = Save as
4.Subko Bachao = Save All
5.Mujhe Bachao = Help
6.Dhoondo = Find
7.Firse Dhoondo = Find Again
8.Hilao = Move
9.Dak = Mail
10.Dakiya = Mailer
11.Paas se dhekho = Zoom
12.Dhoor se dhekho = Zoom Out
13.Kholo = Open
14.Bandh Karo = Close
15.Naya = New
16.Purana/Khatara = Old
17.Badli Karo = Replace
18.Bhaago = Run
19.Chaapo = Print
12.Dekh Ke Chaapo = Print Preview
13.Nakal Utaaro/Kaapi =Copy
14.Kaato = Cut
15.Chipkao = Paste
16.Payshal Chipkao = Paste Special
17.Goli Maaro = Delete
18.Nazaara = View
19.Hatyaar = Tools
20.Hatyaar Khamba = Toolbar
21.Khuli Chaadar = Spreadsheet
22.Kalti Maaro = Exit
23.Ped = Tree
24.Thooso = Compress
25.Chooha = mouse
26.Tik Karo = Click
27.Tik-Tik Karo = Double Click
28.Idhar-se-Udhar - Udhar-se-Idhar khamba=
Scrollbar
1. MICROSOFT WINDOWS95 - ATISUKSHMA MULAYAM
(microsoft)
KHIDKIYAAN (windows) AVRUTTI (version)
PICCHAANVEY (95)"
2. Double Click with the left mouse button
Chuhe ke baye kaan ko zatpat do baar marodkar
'tadak-tadak'=(clik-click)
kariye
3. GPF(GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT) -
Sarvasaadharan Suraksha Mein Gadbad
4. 'This program has performed an illegal
operation - "Abort, Retry or
Ignore" ?
"Is karyakram ne gairkanooni kaam kiya hai -
Zatak se band karo (abort),
Koshish karte raho/Hum honge Kamyaab (retry),
Goli Maro (Ignore)"
5. MS POWERPOINT - "AtiSukshma Mulayam
ShaktiBindu"
6. MS WORD 6 - "AtiSukshma Mulayam Shabda Cheh"
7. ACCESS - "PRAVESH KI SAMMATI"
8. FOXPRO - "Lombdigiri (Lomiree) mein Maahir"
9. VISUAL C - "Nazaaraa C adhik hi adhik"
10. OFFICE 97 - "Karyalaya 97 mein"
11. Internet Explorer - "Taaron ke Jaal ka
Sanshodhak "
12. Lotus Notes - " Kamal ke Ruppeye"
13. ACCESS DENIED - " Ghusne ki Agya nahi "
release a windows version
in Hindi.
Here are some Windows related terms that are
proposed to be used in
the Hindi version of..
...........Khidkiyan'Picchanavey:
1.Phaail = File
2.Bachao = Save
3.Aise Bachao = Save as
4.Subko Bachao = Save All
5.Mujhe Bachao = Help
6.Dhoondo = Find
7.Firse Dhoondo = Find Again
8.Hilao = Move
9.Dak = Mail
10.Dakiya = Mailer
11.Paas se dhekho = Zoom
12.Dhoor se dhekho = Zoom Out
13.Kholo = Open
14.Bandh Karo = Close
15.Naya = New
16.Purana/Khatara = Old
17.Badli Karo = Replace
18.Bhaago = Run
19.Chaapo = Print
12.Dekh Ke Chaapo = Print Preview
13.Nakal Utaaro/Kaapi =Copy
14.Kaato = Cut
15.Chipkao = Paste
16.Payshal Chipkao = Paste Special
17.Goli Maaro = Delete
18.Nazaara = View
19.Hatyaar = Tools
20.Hatyaar Khamba = Toolbar
21.Khuli Chaadar = Spreadsheet
22.Kalti Maaro = Exit
23.Ped = Tree
24.Thooso = Compress
25.Chooha = mouse
26.Tik Karo = Click
27.Tik-Tik Karo = Double Click
28.Idhar-se-Udhar - Udhar-se-Idhar khamba=
Scrollbar
1. MICROSOFT WINDOWS95 - ATISUKSHMA MULAYAM
(microsoft)
KHIDKIYAAN (windows) AVRUTTI (version)
PICCHAANVEY (95)"
2. Double Click with the left mouse button
Chuhe ke baye kaan ko zatpat do baar marodkar
'tadak-tadak'=(clik-click)
kariye
3. GPF(GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT) -
Sarvasaadharan Suraksha Mein Gadbad
4. 'This program has performed an illegal
operation - "Abort, Retry or
Ignore" ?
"Is karyakram ne gairkanooni kaam kiya hai -
Zatak se band karo (abort),
Koshish karte raho/Hum honge Kamyaab (retry),
Goli Maro (Ignore)"
5. MS POWERPOINT - "AtiSukshma Mulayam
ShaktiBindu"
6. MS WORD 6 - "AtiSukshma Mulayam Shabda Cheh"
7. ACCESS - "PRAVESH KI SAMMATI"
8. FOXPRO - "Lombdigiri (Lomiree) mein Maahir"
9. VISUAL C - "Nazaaraa C adhik hi adhik"
10. OFFICE 97 - "Karyalaya 97 mein"
11. Internet Explorer - "Taaron ke Jaal ka
Sanshodhak "
12. Lotus Notes - " Kamal ke Ruppeye"
13. ACCESS DENIED - " Ghusne ki Agya nahi "
Interesting
INTERESTING !!!!!!!!
Small interesting statistics - The population of India is 100 crores.
But did you know that.... 19 crores are retired.That leaves 81 crores to do the work.
There are 25 crores in school, which leaves 56 crores to do the work.
Of this there are 22 crores employed by the Central Government,
Leaving 34 crores to do the work.
4 crores are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 30 crores to do the work.
Take away from above total the 20 crores people who work for State
Governments and that leaves 10 crores to do the work.
(Then there are also those who officially do not work.)
Total unemployed are 8 crores and that leaves 2 crores to do the work.
At any given time there are 1.2 crore people in
hospitals, leaving 80 lakhs to do the work.
Now, I am told there are 79,99,998 people in prisons throughout the country.
That leaves just 2 people to do the work.......You and me !!!.
And currently you're sitting at your computer reading mails.
So I am the only person in our country who is
working.!!!!!! And that's why
India is surviving!!!
Now, please log out and do your job because, for a
change, I want to rest.
And I don't want India to suffer because of that.!
Small interesting statistics - The population of India is 100 crores.
But did you know that.... 19 crores are retired.That leaves 81 crores to do the work.
There are 25 crores in school, which leaves 56 crores to do the work.
Of this there are 22 crores employed by the Central Government,
Leaving 34 crores to do the work.
4 crores are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 30 crores to do the work.
Take away from above total the 20 crores people who work for State
Governments and that leaves 10 crores to do the work.
(Then there are also those who officially do not work.)
Total unemployed are 8 crores and that leaves 2 crores to do the work.
At any given time there are 1.2 crore people in
hospitals, leaving 80 lakhs to do the work.
Now, I am told there are 79,99,998 people in prisons throughout the country.
That leaves just 2 people to do the work.......You and me !!!.
And currently you're sitting at your computer reading mails.
So I am the only person in our country who is
working.!!!!!! And that's why
India is surviving!!!
Now, please log out and do your job because, for a
change, I want to rest.
And I don't want India to suffer because of that.!
IISC IIT
There is a general feeling in the public that IISc/IIT students are
> >found unassumingly lost in thought almost all the time. And girls fare
> >no better in this respect. So let us see what a Non IISc/IITain may face
> >when he marries a girl from IIT campus.
> >
> >SCENE: First night of the marriage.
> >
> >CHARACTERS: IISc/IIT Bride and Non IISc/IIT Groom.
> >The Groom approaches the Bride and proposes to kiss her. So let us see
> >what would be her reaction..
> >
> >GIRL FROM DEPT. OF PHYSICS:
> >"Well kissing is relative. You can kiss me with respect to me or with
> >respect to you. First define how you are going to kiss. You can kiss me
> >by treating me in the same reference frame as you are or treating me in
> >a different inertial frame by producing waves of motion through your
> >lips. How do you prefer?"
> >
> >The guy faints
> >
> >GIRL FROM DEPT. OF MATHEMATICS:
> >
> >"Kissing is fine. You can kiss me provided you satisfy the following
> >conditions.
> >Necessary conditions: You should be close to me by a distance delta
> >where delta is greater than zero and the limit for delta tends to zero
> >and you satisfy the closure property.
> >Sufficient conditions: You should have lips. Where the number of lips is
> >neither more than
> >two nor less than two. You can also kiss by defining your hand to be me
> >if and only if you
> >satisfy the above conditions.
> >
> >The guy goes mad.
> >
> >GIRL FORM ECOLOGICAL SCIENCES:
> >
> >"Oh Kissing, that is interesting phenomena that occurs in nature. This
> >is an initiating process for sex not only found in homosapiens but also
> >in all heterosapiens, mammals, camels, vertebrates, invertebrates and
> >insects. Out of 1000 ants observed in a closed laboratory in Zuvinich in
> >Yugoslavia 90% of them seem to involve in the process of kissing but the
> >subsequence is very random with probability 0.672139 that a male ant
> >kiss female ant. First observe the behavior of ants and cockroaches
> >under various conditions. That will be very interesting . Isn't it.
> >
> >The guy has an heart attack.
> >
> >
> >GIRL FROM CS(Computer Science):
> >
> >"You want to kiss me. That is fine I assume that you know the algorithm
> >for that very well. But you have to complete the process within 56.22
> >seconds or else connection will be timed out. To
> >optimize the timing lets do parallel processing. As we have to discuss
> >about our future and other things, let us do the process of discussion
> >foreground and why can't you put the process of Kissing background?"
> >
> >The guy applies for divorce.
> >
> >GIRL from Electronics Engineering:
> >
> >"So you would like to kiss me. The process of kissing is an age old
> >communication process. The information content of the signal transmitted
> >from one pair lips to the other is more if the probability of the event
> >(of kissing) is less. Hence take care. If you want a successful
> >communication between us, you should kiss me less often. If the
> >information content is to be infinite, you should never kiss me at all!"
> >
> >The guy is found hanging from fan next day.
> >
> >SMILE PLEASE ...............
> >found unassumingly lost in thought almost all the time. And girls fare
> >no better in this respect. So let us see what a Non IISc/IITain may face
> >when he marries a girl from IIT campus.
> >
> >SCENE: First night of the marriage.
> >
> >CHARACTERS: IISc/IIT Bride and Non IISc/IIT Groom.
> >The Groom approaches the Bride and proposes to kiss her. So let us see
> >what would be her reaction..
> >
> >GIRL FROM DEPT. OF PHYSICS:
> >"Well kissing is relative. You can kiss me with respect to me or with
> >respect to you. First define how you are going to kiss. You can kiss me
> >by treating me in the same reference frame as you are or treating me in
> >a different inertial frame by producing waves of motion through your
> >lips. How do you prefer?"
> >
> >The guy faints
> >
> >GIRL FROM DEPT. OF MATHEMATICS:
> >
> >"Kissing is fine. You can kiss me provided you satisfy the following
> >conditions.
> >Necessary conditions: You should be close to me by a distance delta
> >where delta is greater than zero and the limit for delta tends to zero
> >and you satisfy the closure property.
> >Sufficient conditions: You should have lips. Where the number of lips is
> >neither more than
> >two nor less than two. You can also kiss by defining your hand to be me
> >if and only if you
> >satisfy the above conditions.
> >
> >The guy goes mad.
> >
> >GIRL FORM ECOLOGICAL SCIENCES:
> >
> >"Oh Kissing, that is interesting phenomena that occurs in nature. This
> >is an initiating process for sex not only found in homosapiens but also
> >in all heterosapiens, mammals, camels, vertebrates, invertebrates and
> >insects. Out of 1000 ants observed in a closed laboratory in Zuvinich in
> >Yugoslavia 90% of them seem to involve in the process of kissing but the
> >subsequence is very random with probability 0.672139 that a male ant
> >kiss female ant. First observe the behavior of ants and cockroaches
> >under various conditions. That will be very interesting . Isn't it.
> >
> >The guy has an heart attack.
> >
> >
> >GIRL FROM CS(Computer Science):
> >
> >"You want to kiss me. That is fine I assume that you know the algorithm
> >for that very well. But you have to complete the process within 56.22
> >seconds or else connection will be timed out. To
> >optimize the timing lets do parallel processing. As we have to discuss
> >about our future and other things, let us do the process of discussion
> >foreground and why can't you put the process of Kissing background?"
> >
> >The guy applies for divorce.
> >
> >GIRL from Electronics Engineering:
> >
> >"So you would like to kiss me. The process of kissing is an age old
> >communication process. The information content of the signal transmitted
> >from one pair lips to the other is more if the probability of the event
> >(of kissing) is less. Hence take care. If you want a successful
> >communication between us, you should kiss me less often. If the
> >information content is to be infinite, you should never kiss me at all!"
> >
> >The guy is found hanging from fan next day.
> >
> >SMILE PLEASE ...............
I love you in all Languages
How to say I Love You in 100 Languages !!!
English - I love you
Afrikaans - Ek het jou lief
Albanian - Te dua
Arabic - Ana behibak (to male)
Arabic - Ana behibek (to female)
Armenian - Yes kez sirumen
Bambara - M'bi fe
Bangla - Aamee tuma ke bhalo baashi
Belarusian - Ya tabe kahayu
Bisaya - Nahigugma ako kanimo
Bulgarian - Obicham te
Cambodian - Soro lahn nhee ah
Cantonese Chinese - Ngo oiy ney a
Catalan - T'estimo
Cheyenne - Ne mohotatse
Chichewa - Ndimakukonda
Corsican - Ti tengu caru (to male)
Creol - Mi aime jou
Croatian - Volim te
Czech - Miluji te
Danish - Jeg Elsker Dig
Dutch - Ik hou van jou
Esperanto - Mi amas vin
Estonian - Ma armastan sind
Ethiopian - Afgreki'
Faroese - Eg elski teg
Farsi - Doset daram
Filipino - Mahal kita
Finnish - Mina rakastan sinua
French - Je t'aime, Je t'adore
Gaelic - Ta gra agam ort
Georgian - Mikvarhar
Greek - S'agapo
Gujarati - Hoo thunay prem karoo choo
Hiligaynon - Palangga ko ikaw
Hawaiian - Aloha wau ia oi
Hebrew - Ani ohev otah (to female)
Hebrew - Ani ohev et otha (to male)
Hiligaynon - Guina higugma ko ikaw
Hindi - Hum Tumhe Pyar Karte hae
Hmong - Kuv hlub koj
Hopi - Nu' umi unangwa'ta
Hungarian - Szeretlek
Icelandic - Eg elska tig
Ilonggo - Palangga ko ikaw
Indonesian - Saya cinta padamu
Inuit - Negligevapse
Irish - Taim i' ngra leat
Italian - Ti amo
Japanese - Aishiteru
Kannada - Naanu ninna preetisuttene
Kapampangan - Kaluguran daka
Kiswahili - Nakupenda
Konkani - Tu magel mogacho
Korean - Sarang Heyo
Latin - Te amo
Latvian - Es tevi miilu
Lebanese - Bahibak
Lithuanian - Tave myliu
Malay - Saya cintakan mu / Aku cinta padamu
Malayalam - Njan Ninne Premikunnu
Mandarin Chinese - Wo aini
Marathi - Me tula premkarto
Mohawk - Kanbhik
Moroccan - Ana moajaba bik
Nahuatl - Ni mits neki
Navaho - Ayor anosh'ni
Norwegian - Jeg Elsker Deg
Pandacan - Syota na kita!!
Pangasinan - Inaru Taka
Papiamento - Mi ta stimabo
Persian - Doo-set daaram
Pig Latin - Iay ovlaouyay
Polish - Kocham Ciebie
Portuguese - Eu te amo
Romanian - Te ubesk
Russian - Ya tebya liubliu
Scot Gaelic - Tha gra\dh agam ort
Serbian - Volim te
Setswana - Ke a go rata
Sign Language - ,\,,/ (represents position of fingers when
signing'ILove
You')
Sindhi - Maa tokhe pyar kendo ahyan
Sioux - Techihhila
Slovak - Lu'bim ta
Slovenian - Ljubim te
Spanish - Te quiero / Te amo
wahili - Ninapenda wewe
Swedish - Jag alskar dig
Swiss-German - Ich lieb Di
Tagalog - Mahal kita
Tahitian - Ua Here Vau Ia Oe
Tamil - Nan unnai kathalikaraen
Telugu - Nenu ninnu premistunnanu
Thai - Chan rak khun (to male)
Thai - Phom rak khun (to female)
Turkish - Seni Seviyorum
Ukrainian - Ya tebe kahayu
Urdu - mai aap say pyaar karta hoo
Vietnamese - Anh ye^u em (to female)
Vietnamese - Em ye^u anh (to male)
Welsh - 'Rwy'n dy garu
Yiddish - Ikh hob dikh
Yoruba - Mo ni fe
English - I love you
Afrikaans - Ek het jou lief
Albanian - Te dua
Arabic - Ana behibak (to male)
Arabic - Ana behibek (to female)
Armenian - Yes kez sirumen
Bambara - M'bi fe
Bangla - Aamee tuma ke bhalo baashi
Belarusian - Ya tabe kahayu
Bisaya - Nahigugma ako kanimo
Bulgarian - Obicham te
Cambodian - Soro lahn nhee ah
Cantonese Chinese - Ngo oiy ney a
Catalan - T'estimo
Cheyenne - Ne mohotatse
Chichewa - Ndimakukonda
Corsican - Ti tengu caru (to male)
Creol - Mi aime jou
Croatian - Volim te
Czech - Miluji te
Danish - Jeg Elsker Dig
Dutch - Ik hou van jou
Esperanto - Mi amas vin
Estonian - Ma armastan sind
Ethiopian - Afgreki'
Faroese - Eg elski teg
Farsi - Doset daram
Filipino - Mahal kita
Finnish - Mina rakastan sinua
French - Je t'aime, Je t'adore
Gaelic - Ta gra agam ort
Georgian - Mikvarhar
Greek - S'agapo
Gujarati - Hoo thunay prem karoo choo
Hiligaynon - Palangga ko ikaw
Hawaiian - Aloha wau ia oi
Hebrew - Ani ohev otah (to female)
Hebrew - Ani ohev et otha (to male)
Hiligaynon - Guina higugma ko ikaw
Hindi - Hum Tumhe Pyar Karte hae
Hmong - Kuv hlub koj
Hopi - Nu' umi unangwa'ta
Hungarian - Szeretlek
Icelandic - Eg elska tig
Ilonggo - Palangga ko ikaw
Indonesian - Saya cinta padamu
Inuit - Negligevapse
Irish - Taim i' ngra leat
Italian - Ti amo
Japanese - Aishiteru
Kannada - Naanu ninna preetisuttene
Kapampangan - Kaluguran daka
Kiswahili - Nakupenda
Konkani - Tu magel mogacho
Korean - Sarang Heyo
Latin - Te amo
Latvian - Es tevi miilu
Lebanese - Bahibak
Lithuanian - Tave myliu
Malay - Saya cintakan mu / Aku cinta padamu
Malayalam - Njan Ninne Premikunnu
Mandarin Chinese - Wo aini
Marathi - Me tula premkarto
Mohawk - Kanbhik
Moroccan - Ana moajaba bik
Nahuatl - Ni mits neki
Navaho - Ayor anosh'ni
Norwegian - Jeg Elsker Deg
Pandacan - Syota na kita!!
Pangasinan - Inaru Taka
Papiamento - Mi ta stimabo
Persian - Doo-set daaram
Pig Latin - Iay ovlaouyay
Polish - Kocham Ciebie
Portuguese - Eu te amo
Romanian - Te ubesk
Russian - Ya tebya liubliu
Scot Gaelic - Tha gra\dh agam ort
Serbian - Volim te
Setswana - Ke a go rata
Sign Language - ,\,,/ (represents position of fingers when
signing'ILove
You')
Sindhi - Maa tokhe pyar kendo ahyan
Sioux - Techihhila
Slovak - Lu'bim ta
Slovenian - Ljubim te
Spanish - Te quiero / Te amo
wahili - Ninapenda wewe
Swedish - Jag alskar dig
Swiss-German - Ich lieb Di
Tagalog - Mahal kita
Tahitian - Ua Here Vau Ia Oe
Tamil - Nan unnai kathalikaraen
Telugu - Nenu ninnu premistunnanu
Thai - Chan rak khun (to male)
Thai - Phom rak khun (to female)
Turkish - Seni Seviyorum
Ukrainian - Ya tebe kahayu
Urdu - mai aap say pyaar karta hoo
Vietnamese - Anh ye^u em (to female)
Vietnamese - Em ye^u anh (to male)
Welsh - 'Rwy'n dy garu
Yiddish - Ikh hob dikh
Yoruba - Mo ni fe
Honey
Hi
I hope you will enjoy it
After the Honeymoon ***
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so - how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama... words like:
DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK..."!
I hope you will enjoy it
After the Honeymoon ***
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so - how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama... words like:
DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK..."!
Hindi Microsoft....
Bill Gates announced that Microsoft plans to
release a windows version
in Hindi.
Here are some Windows related terms that are
proposed to be used in
the Hindi version of..
...........Khidkiyan'Picchanavey:
1.Phaail = File
2.Bachao = Save
3.Aise Bachao = Save as
4.Subko Bachao = Save All
5.Mujhe Bachao = Help
6.Dhoondo = Find
7.Firse Dhoondo = Find Again
8.Hilao = Move
9.Dak = Mail
10.Dakiya = Mailer
11.Paas se dhekho = Zoom
12.Dhoor se dhekho = Zoom Out
13.Kholo = Open
14.Bandh Karo = Close
15.Naya = New
16.Purana/Khatara = Old
17.Badli Karo = Replace
18.Bhaago = Run
19.Chaapo = Print
12.Dekh Ke Chaapo = Print Preview
13.Nakal Utaaro/Kaapi =Copy
14.Kaato = Cut
15.Chipkao = Paste
16.Payshal Chipkao = Paste Special
17.Goli Maaro = Delete
18.Nazaara = View
19.Hatyaar = Tools
20.Hatyaar Khamba = Toolbar
21.Khuli Chaadar = Spreadsheet
22.Kalti Maaro = Exit
23.Ped = Tree
24.Thooso = Compress
25.Chooha = mouse
26.Tik Karo = Click
27.Tik-Tik Karo = Double Click
28.Idhar-se-Udhar - Udhar-se-Idhar khamba=
Scrollbar
1. MICROSOFT WINDOWS95 - ATISUKSHMA MULAYAM
(microsoft)
KHIDKIYAAN (windows) AVRUTTI (version)
PICCHAANVEY (95)"
2. Double Click with the left mouse button
Chuhe ke baye kaan ko zatpat do baar marodkar
'tadak-tadak'=(clik-click)
kariye
3. GPF(GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT) -
Sarvasaadharan Suraksha Mein Gadbad
4. 'This program has performed an illegal
operation - "Abort, Retry or
Ignore" ?
"Is karyakram ne gairkanooni kaam kiya hai -
Zatak se band karo (abort),
Koshish karte raho/Hum honge Kamyaab (retry),
Goli Maro (Ignore)"
5. MS POWERPOINT - "AtiSukshma Mulayam
ShaktiBindu"
6. MS WORD 6 - "AtiSukshma Mulayam Shabda Cheh"
7. ACCESS - "PRAVESH KI SAMMATI"
8. FOXPRO - "Lombdigiri (Lomiree) mein Maahir"
9. VISUAL C - "Nazaaraa C adhik hi adhik"
10. OFFICE 97 - "Karyalaya 97 mein"
11. Internet Explorer - "Taaron ke Jaal ka
Sanshodhak "
12. Lotus Notes - " Kamal ke Ruppeye"
13. ACCESS DENIED - " Ghusne ki Agya nahi "
release a windows version
in Hindi.
Here are some Windows related terms that are
proposed to be used in
the Hindi version of..
...........Khidkiyan'Picchanavey:
1.Phaail = File
2.Bachao = Save
3.Aise Bachao = Save as
4.Subko Bachao = Save All
5.Mujhe Bachao = Help
6.Dhoondo = Find
7.Firse Dhoondo = Find Again
8.Hilao = Move
9.Dak = Mail
10.Dakiya = Mailer
11.Paas se dhekho = Zoom
12.Dhoor se dhekho = Zoom Out
13.Kholo = Open
14.Bandh Karo = Close
15.Naya = New
16.Purana/Khatara = Old
17.Badli Karo = Replace
18.Bhaago = Run
19.Chaapo = Print
12.Dekh Ke Chaapo = Print Preview
13.Nakal Utaaro/Kaapi =Copy
14.Kaato = Cut
15.Chipkao = Paste
16.Payshal Chipkao = Paste Special
17.Goli Maaro = Delete
18.Nazaara = View
19.Hatyaar = Tools
20.Hatyaar Khamba = Toolbar
21.Khuli Chaadar = Spreadsheet
22.Kalti Maaro = Exit
23.Ped = Tree
24.Thooso = Compress
25.Chooha = mouse
26.Tik Karo = Click
27.Tik-Tik Karo = Double Click
28.Idhar-se-Udhar - Udhar-se-Idhar khamba=
Scrollbar
1. MICROSOFT WINDOWS95 - ATISUKSHMA MULAYAM
(microsoft)
KHIDKIYAAN (windows) AVRUTTI (version)
PICCHAANVEY (95)"
2. Double Click with the left mouse button
Chuhe ke baye kaan ko zatpat do baar marodkar
'tadak-tadak'=(clik-click)
kariye
3. GPF(GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT) -
Sarvasaadharan Suraksha Mein Gadbad
4. 'This program has performed an illegal
operation - "Abort, Retry or
Ignore" ?
"Is karyakram ne gairkanooni kaam kiya hai -
Zatak se band karo (abort),
Koshish karte raho/Hum honge Kamyaab (retry),
Goli Maro (Ignore)"
5. MS POWERPOINT - "AtiSukshma Mulayam
ShaktiBindu"
6. MS WORD 6 - "AtiSukshma Mulayam Shabda Cheh"
7. ACCESS - "PRAVESH KI SAMMATI"
8. FOXPRO - "Lombdigiri (Lomiree) mein Maahir"
9. VISUAL C - "Nazaaraa C adhik hi adhik"
10. OFFICE 97 - "Karyalaya 97 mein"
11. Internet Explorer - "Taaron ke Jaal ka
Sanshodhak "
12. Lotus Notes - " Kamal ke Ruppeye"
13. ACCESS DENIED - " Ghusne ki Agya nahi "
Hickphonics --------------
[Just a joke, folks.--ed.]
The Atlanta School Board, sensing that Oakland was about to cash in by
labeling African American slang as the language ''Ebonics,'' has decided to
pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by
designating Southern slang, or ''Hickphonics,'' as a language to be taught
in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone.
The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
HIDEY - noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Polite addition to a greeting to inquire about
one's condition. Usage: Hidey, hire yew?''
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive to borrow. Usage: ''My brothern
law bard my pickup truck.''
JAWJUH - noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: ''My
brothern law from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.''
BAMMER - noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: ''My brothern law from Jawjuh bard
my pickup truck, and I ain't hered from him in munts.''
BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.Usage:
''A cold bare shore sounds good rat now.''
THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: ''Ah thank ah'll have a
bare.''
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See ''Arkansas native.'' Usage: ''Them Bammer
boys sure are ignert!''
RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: ''I thank I left my
ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brothern law from Jawjuh bard a
few munts ago.''
RINCH - verb. Use klane water to git the soap off'n or outta sumpthin'.
Usage: ''Let me jist rinch out this'ere cup and parr ya some coffee.''
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: ''I shore hope my brothern
law from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.''
FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: ''If my brothern law from Jawjuh don't
change the all in my pickup truck, that thang's gonna ketch far.''
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: ''Gee, I hope that brothern law of mine
from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck.''
TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: ''Lord willin' and the crick don't
rise, I shore do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometam.''
RETARD - verb. To stop working. Usage: ''My grampaw retard at age 65.''
FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: ''You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh.''
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: ''We Southerners are
willin' to fat for are rats.''
FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: ''I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he
sed....mus'be from some farn country.''
DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: ''He's did, Jim.''
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: ''He cain't
breathe....give 'im some ear!''
BOB WAR - noun. A twisted cable with sharp protrousions. Usage: ''Boy, stay
away from that bob war fence.''
JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction. Usage: ''Jew here that my brothern law
from Jawjuh got a job wi' that bob war fence cump'ny?''
HAZE - a contraction. Usage: ''Is Bubba smart?'' ''Nah....haze ignert. He
ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf.''
SEED - verb, past tense of ''to see''.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: ''I ain't never seed New York
City....view?''
GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: ''Them gummit boys shore
are ignert.''
The Atlanta School Board, sensing that Oakland was about to cash in by
labeling African American slang as the language ''Ebonics,'' has decided to
pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by
designating Southern slang, or ''Hickphonics,'' as a language to be taught
in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone.
The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
HIDEY - noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Polite addition to a greeting to inquire about
one's condition. Usage: Hidey, hire yew?''
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive to borrow. Usage: ''My brothern
law bard my pickup truck.''
JAWJUH - noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: ''My
brothern law from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.''
BAMMER - noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: ''My brothern law from Jawjuh bard
my pickup truck, and I ain't hered from him in munts.''
BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.Usage:
''A cold bare shore sounds good rat now.''
THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: ''Ah thank ah'll have a
bare.''
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See ''Arkansas native.'' Usage: ''Them Bammer
boys sure are ignert!''
RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: ''I thank I left my
ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brothern law from Jawjuh bard a
few munts ago.''
RINCH - verb. Use klane water to git the soap off'n or outta sumpthin'.
Usage: ''Let me jist rinch out this'ere cup and parr ya some coffee.''
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: ''I shore hope my brothern
law from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.''
FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: ''If my brothern law from Jawjuh don't
change the all in my pickup truck, that thang's gonna ketch far.''
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: ''Gee, I hope that brothern law of mine
from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck.''
TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: ''Lord willin' and the crick don't
rise, I shore do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometam.''
RETARD - verb. To stop working. Usage: ''My grampaw retard at age 65.''
FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: ''You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh.''
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: ''We Southerners are
willin' to fat for are rats.''
FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: ''I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he
sed....mus'be from some farn country.''
DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: ''He's did, Jim.''
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: ''He cain't
breathe....give 'im some ear!''
BOB WAR - noun. A twisted cable with sharp protrousions. Usage: ''Boy, stay
away from that bob war fence.''
JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction. Usage: ''Jew here that my brothern law
from Jawjuh got a job wi' that bob war fence cump'ny?''
HAZE - a contraction. Usage: ''Is Bubba smart?'' ''Nah....haze ignert. He
ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf.''
SEED - verb, past tense of ''to see''.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: ''I ain't never seed New York
City....view?''
GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: ''Them gummit boys shore
are ignert.''
HEIGHT OF HEIGHTS > > # Height of Confusion: > > Two earthworms making love in a bowl of noodles. > > > > # Height of revenge:
HEIGHT OF HEIGHTS
> > # Height of Confusion:
> > Two earthworms making love in a bowl of noodles.
> >
> > # Height of revenge:
> > A bastard roaming in a condom factory with a needle in his hand
> >
> > # Height of pain:
> > A monkey sliding down a knife's edge using balls as his brakes.
> >
> > # Height of Honesty
> > A pregnant woman asking the bus conductor for one & a half ticket.
> >
> > # Height of Foolishness
> > A guy peeping thru' the keyhole of a glass door.
> >
> > # Height of Noise
> > Two skeletons fucking on a tin roof.
> >
> > # Height of Itch
> > A fat man hanging (upside down) from a roof trying to scratch his balls.
> >
> > # Height of Innocence
> > A teenager girl applying Clearsil to her nipples thinking them as
pimples.
> >
> >
> > # Height of Unemployment
> > Cobwebs in prostitute's cunt.
> >
> > # Height of laziness:
> > 1. A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.
> > 2. Adoption.
> >
> > # Height of Competition:
> > 1.A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
> > 2.A topless lady standing near mount everest.
> >
> > # Height of Bravery:
> > A naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an island of gays.
> >
> > # Height of Sophistication:
> > Sucking nipples with a straw.
> >
> > # Height of Disgustion:
> > While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the
> > paper.
> >
> > # Height of Technology
> > Condom with zip.
> >
> > # Height of Penetration
> > A baby girl born pregnant.
> >
> > # Height of Darkness
> > A negro searching for his penis in a dark room.
> >
> > # Height of fashion
> > 1.A female applying LipStick to her vertical Lips.
2.A dhothi with a zip.
> >
> > # Height of patience
> > A female lying naked under a banana tree and hoping
> > for banana to fall in the right place.
> >
> > # Height of coincidence
> > And the banana falling in.
> > # Height of Confusion:
> > Two earthworms making love in a bowl of noodles.
> >
> > # Height of revenge:
> > A bastard roaming in a condom factory with a needle in his hand
> >
> > # Height of pain:
> > A monkey sliding down a knife's edge using balls as his brakes.
> >
> > # Height of Honesty
> > A pregnant woman asking the bus conductor for one & a half ticket.
> >
> > # Height of Foolishness
> > A guy peeping thru' the keyhole of a glass door.
> >
> > # Height of Noise
> > Two skeletons fucking on a tin roof.
> >
> > # Height of Itch
> > A fat man hanging (upside down) from a roof trying to scratch his balls.
> >
> > # Height of Innocence
> > A teenager girl applying Clearsil to her nipples thinking them as
pimples.
> >
> >
> > # Height of Unemployment
> > Cobwebs in prostitute's cunt.
> >
> > # Height of laziness:
> > 1. A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.
> > 2. Adoption.
> >
> > # Height of Competition:
> > 1.A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
> > 2.A topless lady standing near mount everest.
> >
> > # Height of Bravery:
> > A naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an island of gays.
> >
> > # Height of Sophistication:
> > Sucking nipples with a straw.
> >
> > # Height of Disgustion:
> > While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the
> > paper.
> >
> > # Height of Technology
> > Condom with zip.
> >
> > # Height of Penetration
> > A baby girl born pregnant.
> >
> > # Height of Darkness
> > A negro searching for his penis in a dark room.
> >
> > # Height of fashion
> > 1.A female applying LipStick to her vertical Lips.
2.A dhothi with a zip.
> >
> > # Height of patience
> > A female lying naked under a banana tree and hoping
> > for banana to fall in the right place.
> >
> > # Height of coincidence
> > And the banana falling in.
HEIGHTS OF EMAIL
HEIGHT OF REPETITON: Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same
email forwarded by him/her to you.
HEIGHT OF ISOLATION: Two persons sitting side by side using emails to
communicate with each other.
HEIGHT OF COWARDICE: Two persons fighting through emails.
HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS: Receiving no emails for a week.
HEIGHT OF IDLENESS: A person using email tool all the time.
HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION: The email server being down.
HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS: Writing an intimate email and doing a "Reply All".
HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT:A person sending email to a boy/ girl wanting to
become
friends and getting a reply
HEIGHT OF HEIGHTS: A person sending email to himself.
email forwarded by him/her to you.
HEIGHT OF ISOLATION: Two persons sitting side by side using emails to
communicate with each other.
HEIGHT OF COWARDICE: Two persons fighting through emails.
HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS: Receiving no emails for a week.
HEIGHT OF IDLENESS: A person using email tool all the time.
HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION: The email server being down.
HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS: Writing an intimate email and doing a "Reply All".
HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT:A person sending email to a boy/ girl wanting to
become
friends and getting a reply
HEIGHT OF HEIGHTS: A person sending email to himself.
Have fun by pronouncing it
Have fun pronouncing it!
Let's see how good you can twist your tongue.But be careful
not to get your tongue twisted by the tongue
twister.OK.Enjoy and pass to those that think they have fantastic
tongue. Start.....!
_______________________________________________________
Peter bought a butter, The butter Peter bought was bitter,
So Peter Bought A better butter, To make the bitter butter
better.
_______________________________________________________
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Did Peter
Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers? If Peter Piper picked a
peck of pickled peppers, where's the peck of pickled peppers
Peter Piper picked?
_______________________________________________________
Betty Botter had some butter,But," she said, "this butter's
bitter. If I bake this bitter butter,it would make my batter
bitter.But a bit of better butter-that would make my batter
better."
So she bought a bit of butter,better than her bitter butter,And
she
baked it in her batter, and the batter was not bitter.So 'twas
better
Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter.
______________________________________________________
Six thick thistle sticks. Six thick thistles stick.
_______________________________________________________
A big black bug bit a big black bear,made the big black
bear bleed blood.
_______________________________________________________
The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.
_______________________________________________________
Pope Sixtus VI's six texts.
_______________________________________________________
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.The shells she sells
are surely seashells.So if she sells shells on the seashore,I'm
sure
she sells seashore shells.
_______________________________________________________
Surely Sylvia swims!" shrieked Sammy,surprised.Someone
should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink."
_______________________________________________________
Shy Shelly says she shall sew sheets.
_______________________________________________________
Sam's shop stocks short spotted socks.
_______________________________________________________
A flea and a fly flew up in a flue.Said the flea, "Let us
fly!" Said the fly, "Let us flee!" So they flew through a flaw in
the flue.
_______________________________________________________
Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?
_______________________________________________________
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better.
_______________________________________________________
A bitter biting bittern Bit a better brother bittern, And
the bitter better bittern Bit the bitter biter back. And the
bitter
bittern, bitten, By the better bitten bittern, Said: "I'm a bitter
biter bit, alack!"
_______________________________________________________
Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.Now See's
saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See,Which made Soar
sore.Had Soar seen See's saw before See sawed Soar's
seesaw,See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw.So
See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sore
Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw!
_______________________________________________________
The boot black bought the black boot back.
_______________________________________________________
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
chuck wood? He would chuck,he would,as much as he could,and
chuck as much wood as a wood chuck would if a woodchuck
could chuck wood.
_______________________________________________________
We surely shall see the sun shine soon.
_______________________________________________________
Which witch wished which wicked wish?
_______________________________________________________
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep.The seven
silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south.These sheep
shouldn't sleep in a shack;sheep should sleep in a sack.
Let's see how good you can twist your tongue.But be careful
not to get your tongue twisted by the tongue
twister.OK.Enjoy and pass to those that think they have fantastic
tongue. Start.....!
_______________________________________________________
Peter bought a butter, The butter Peter bought was bitter,
So Peter Bought A better butter, To make the bitter butter
better.
_______________________________________________________
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Did Peter
Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers? If Peter Piper picked a
peck of pickled peppers, where's the peck of pickled peppers
Peter Piper picked?
_______________________________________________________
Betty Botter had some butter,But," she said, "this butter's
bitter. If I bake this bitter butter,it would make my batter
bitter.But a bit of better butter-that would make my batter
better."
So she bought a bit of butter,better than her bitter butter,And
she
baked it in her batter, and the batter was not bitter.So 'twas
better
Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter.
______________________________________________________
Six thick thistle sticks. Six thick thistles stick.
_______________________________________________________
A big black bug bit a big black bear,made the big black
bear bleed blood.
_______________________________________________________
The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.
_______________________________________________________
Pope Sixtus VI's six texts.
_______________________________________________________
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.The shells she sells
are surely seashells.So if she sells shells on the seashore,I'm
sure
she sells seashore shells.
_______________________________________________________
Surely Sylvia swims!" shrieked Sammy,surprised.Someone
should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink."
_______________________________________________________
Shy Shelly says she shall sew sheets.
_______________________________________________________
Sam's shop stocks short spotted socks.
_______________________________________________________
A flea and a fly flew up in a flue.Said the flea, "Let us
fly!" Said the fly, "Let us flee!" So they flew through a flaw in
the flue.
_______________________________________________________
Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?
_______________________________________________________
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better.
_______________________________________________________
A bitter biting bittern Bit a better brother bittern, And
the bitter better bittern Bit the bitter biter back. And the
bitter
bittern, bitten, By the better bitten bittern, Said: "I'm a bitter
biter bit, alack!"
_______________________________________________________
Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.Now See's
saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See,Which made Soar
sore.Had Soar seen See's saw before See sawed Soar's
seesaw,See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw.So
See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sore
Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw!
_______________________________________________________
The boot black bought the black boot back.
_______________________________________________________
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
chuck wood? He would chuck,he would,as much as he could,and
chuck as much wood as a wood chuck would if a woodchuck
could chuck wood.
_______________________________________________________
We surely shall see the sun shine soon.
_______________________________________________________
Which witch wished which wicked wish?
_______________________________________________________
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep.The seven
silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south.These sheep
shouldn't sleep in a shack;sheep should sleep in a sack.
Ha ha
* "YOUR FUTURE DEPENDS ON YOUR DREAMS" SO GO TO SLEEP!
* THERE SHOULD BE A BETTER WAY TO START A DAY THAN WAKING UP EVERY MORNING!
* "ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY" SO WHAT? WHO IS IN A HURRY?
* "HARD WORK NEVER KILLED ANYBODY" BUT WHY TAKE THE RISK! (I DON’T WANT TO BE AN
EXCEPTION!)
* "WORK FASCINATES ME" I CAN LOOK AT IT FOR HOURS!
* GOD MADE RELATIVES; THANK GOD WE CAN CHOOSE OUR FRIENDS.
* MY GIRLFRIEND RAN AWAY WITH MY BEST FRIEND AND I REALLY MISS HIM
* GOD IS ALIVE! SPEAK TO HIM! ( ITS CHEAPER AFTER NINE)
* WHEN TWO’S THE COMPANY THREE’S THE RESULT!
* BEING SEXY IS A HARD JOB FOR ME; BUT SOMEBODY HAS TO DO IT!
* A DRESS IS LIKE A BARBED FENCE; IT PROTECTS THE PREMISES WITHOUT RESTRICTING THE VIEW
* LOVE IS PHOTOGENIC; IT NEEDS DARKNESS TO DEVELOP.
* A GOOD DISCUSSION IS LIKE A MINISKIRT; SHORT ENOUGH TO SUSTAIN INTEREST AND LONG
ENOUGH TO COVE THE SUBJECT.
* CHILDREN IN BACKSEATS CAUSE ACCIDENTS; ACCIDENTS IN BACKSEATS CAUSE CHILDREN.
* THERE SHOULD BE A BETTER WAY TO START A DAY THAN WAKING UP EVERY MORNING!
* "ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY" SO WHAT? WHO IS IN A HURRY?
* "HARD WORK NEVER KILLED ANYBODY" BUT WHY TAKE THE RISK! (I DON’T WANT TO BE AN
EXCEPTION!)
* "WORK FASCINATES ME" I CAN LOOK AT IT FOR HOURS!
* GOD MADE RELATIVES; THANK GOD WE CAN CHOOSE OUR FRIENDS.
* MY GIRLFRIEND RAN AWAY WITH MY BEST FRIEND AND I REALLY MISS HIM
* GOD IS ALIVE! SPEAK TO HIM! ( ITS CHEAPER AFTER NINE)
* WHEN TWO’S THE COMPANY THREE’S THE RESULT!
* BEING SEXY IS A HARD JOB FOR ME; BUT SOMEBODY HAS TO DO IT!
* A DRESS IS LIKE A BARBED FENCE; IT PROTECTS THE PREMISES WITHOUT RESTRICTING THE VIEW
* LOVE IS PHOTOGENIC; IT NEEDS DARKNESS TO DEVELOP.
* A GOOD DISCUSSION IS LIKE A MINISKIRT; SHORT ENOUGH TO SUSTAIN INTEREST AND LONG
ENOUGH TO COVE THE SUBJECT.
* CHILDREN IN BACKSEATS CAUSE ACCIDENTS; ACCIDENTS IN BACKSEATS CAUSE CHILDREN.
Can you Guess
>
> >this is easy u can guess it.
> >
> >Isn't this true??!!
> >
> >I have One
> >You have one
> >All mom's use daddys' ones
> >A married lady would possess one
> >A divorced lady would loose her one
> >Lee Kuan Yew has a short-short one
> >Moa Ze Dong had a hairy one
> >Arnold Schwarzenneger has a longer one
> >Michael J. Fox has a shorter one
> >Madonna doesn't have one
> >The Chinese usually have short ones
> >While the Indian usually have long ones
> >Do you have one?
> >How long is your one?
> >Which one is your preferred one
> >Please guess
> >Remember that this is a riddle.
> >Think Straight !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> >(Scroll down for answer)
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >The answer is - Surname!(Did anyone get it right ?
> >
> >
> >this is easy u can guess it.
> >
> >Isn't this true??!!
> >
> >I have One
> >You have one
> >All mom's use daddys' ones
> >A married lady would possess one
> >A divorced lady would loose her one
> >Lee Kuan Yew has a short-short one
> >Moa Ze Dong had a hairy one
> >Arnold Schwarzenneger has a longer one
> >Michael J. Fox has a shorter one
> >Madonna doesn't have one
> >The Chinese usually have short ones
> >While the Indian usually have long ones
> >Do you have one?
> >How long is your one?
> >Which one is your preferred one
> >Please guess
> >Remember that this is a riddle.
> >Think Straight !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> >(Scroll down for answer)
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >...
> >The answer is - Surname!(Did anyone get it right ?
> >
> >
Greedy
I hope, u will like this meesage about the greediness
of human beings :
God created the donkey and said to him. "You will be a
donkey. You will work untiringly from sunrise to
sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat
grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live
50 years."
The donkey answered: "I will be a donkey, but to live
50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years." God
granted his wish.Then God created the dog and said to
him: "You will guard the house of man. You will be his
best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you
and you will live 30 years. You will be a dog." The
dog answered: "Sir, to live 30 years is too much, give
me only 15 years." God granted his wish. Later, God
created the monkey and said to him:
"You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to
branch doing tricks.You will be amusing and you will
live 20 years." The monkey answered:
"To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years."
God granted his wish.Finally God created human and
said to him: "You will be human, the only rational
creature on the face of the earth. You will use your
intelligence to become master over all the animals.
You will dominate the world and you will live 20
years." Man responded: "Sir, I will be a human but to
live only 20 years is very little, give me the 30
years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the
dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused."
God granted man's wish and since then, man lives 20
years as a man, marries and spends 30 years like a
donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on
his back. Then when his children are grown, he lives
15 years like a dog taking care of the house and
eating whatever is given to him, so that when he
is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey,
going from house to house and from one son or daughter
to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren
Amiya Joshi
Work like you don't need the money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one is watching.
of human beings :
God created the donkey and said to him. "You will be a
donkey. You will work untiringly from sunrise to
sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat
grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live
50 years."
The donkey answered: "I will be a donkey, but to live
50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years." God
granted his wish.Then God created the dog and said to
him: "You will guard the house of man. You will be his
best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you
and you will live 30 years. You will be a dog." The
dog answered: "Sir, to live 30 years is too much, give
me only 15 years." God granted his wish. Later, God
created the monkey and said to him:
"You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to
branch doing tricks.You will be amusing and you will
live 20 years." The monkey answered:
"To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years."
God granted his wish.Finally God created human and
said to him: "You will be human, the only rational
creature on the face of the earth. You will use your
intelligence to become master over all the animals.
You will dominate the world and you will live 20
years." Man responded: "Sir, I will be a human but to
live only 20 years is very little, give me the 30
years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the
dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused."
God granted man's wish and since then, man lives 20
years as a man, marries and spends 30 years like a
donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on
his back. Then when his children are grown, he lives
15 years like a dog taking care of the house and
eating whatever is given to him, so that when he
is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey,
going from house to house and from one son or daughter
to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren
Amiya Joshi
Work like you don't need the money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one is watching.
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